It is common now in Nigeria to hear women say that if by 30 they are yet to find a suitor they will just get pregnant for a man and have a baby by themselves. You must have heard some women say this especially if you belong to some Nigerian Facebook groups. Some will say 35, if they don’t yet have the finance by 30 to take care of a child alone. While I can understand the reasoning behind this, I feel such people are missing something when it comes to childbearing.
The Rush against the Female Biological Clock
I’ve been there. In the article Over 30, Single and Childless should I be worried? I shared my struggles in that period of my life. And as I said in that article between 38 and 39 I was seriously thinking about going through one of the methods available to me to have a child without a husband. And I wanted to do that for two reasons:
- I was getting close to 40 very fast. And I knew husband or no husband I didn’t want to be having kids when I was 45 and above. So I felt if I didn’t start then (and I planned to have at least two kids), I was going to find myself still having kids when I was almost 45 or even above.Aside from the risks the mother faces when having kids late, fertility reduces with age.
And 40 and above are likely to suffer from infertility due to low ovarian reserve, meaning the numbers of eggs the woman has left has greatly reduced, especially in quality. And I didn’t want to go through life without having kids. I didn’t mind not getting married. By 38 I had made peace with the possibility that I’d never find the kind of man I wanted and therefore I’d never get married. But not having kids? No, I wouldn’t feel complete if I don’t have kids. I felt I didn’t have control over getting a husband but I could choose to have kids myself if I wanted. - If you’re someone who loves kids and your dream is to have some, there will be a point you get to in life when the desire to have your own kids and experience all that comes with it will become really strong. I was at that stage. Infact I had been at that stage since I was 35. But I kept waiting and I kept hoping that I would find a husband, because as much as I wanted kids and I knew I could have them and take care of them myself, that wasn’t the dream. That wasn’t how I wanted to have kids. Each time I pictured myself having a family I pictured it with a husband. I pictured my kids having a father and a mother.
30 is Too Early to be that Desperate
Desperation comes with age. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Most singles approaching 30 and over 30 gets desperate to settle down and have kids. I made some mistakes myself out of desperation.
I dated someone I should never have dated. I knew from the beginning that this person wasn’t right for me. But I went ahead regardless because I just wanted to feel like I had someone in my life. I felt that was better than the loneliness. But I knew I was more than that so that quickly came to an end. I also considered marrying a few persons I shouldn’t have. Thank God none of it lead to the altar, I would have regretted it big time!
In the end I decided it was better to go through life alone than to settle for less, which was when I decided hey, I should just have a child I don’t need a man!
So I understand desperation. But 30 is just too early to be so desperate that you want to have a child on your own. Calm down. There’s still some time. There’s still 5 years before 35, that’s more than enough time to find, court and get married. And a lot of people have gotten married at 35 and conceived without any problem. Keep in mind that getting married late doesn’t necessarily mean that it will be hard for you to have kids. Just as getting married early isn’t a guarantee that a woman won’t be faced with infertility. There are people who married early and are now in their late 30s and 40s and still childless.
My point with that is we don’t have control over these things so no need trying to play God. Let things play out on their own, it might all just work to your favor as it did for me. The delay I had finding a husband turned out to be a big blessing. It allowed me enough time to grow my business, my income and my assets, and just when I had done all that I got the man of my dreams! 😊
When you don’t have kids and you want them desperately, it’s easy to think that having kids will solve your problems. You won’t feel lonely anymore you’ll think. But that’s not true. If that were to be true, we won’t have single moms looking for a husband. Going through life alone with kids you have to raise by yourself and do everything for, isn’t easy. From what I see and hear sometimes from people doing it, it can be very overwhelming, and lonely too. And as you deal with that, your kids won’t let you rest with questions about why their dad is not in their lives, plus the void that will cause in their lives too.
Like I said before, I had wanted kids since I was 35. I actually wanted kids before I was 35 but I didn’t let myself worry about that as much then because in my early thirties I was still struggling to feed myself. So making money to be able to live better was my focus then. But before 36 my financial situation had greatly improved. I could have pursued the process of having a child by myself from age 36. But each time I thought about it I got scared from it because I knew it was a lot to take on alone.
Imagine being pregnant and sleeping and waking up all alone. Nobody to be there for you. Yes you can hire a live in Help, but you and I know that the kind of care and attention a pregnant woman needs the most can’t come from a Help, it can’t even come from a best friend. So you go through the pregnancy all alone then on the day of delivery nobody’s there for you too. Yes, there could be maybe a sibling, cousin or a friend there in the labor room with you, but the feeling won’t be the same. Nothing like the father of the child sharing this moment with you, the pains and the joy.
I also knew I wanted more. Like I said at the beginning of this, having a child on my own wasn’t the dream.
My niece who lived with me from 2019 till I got married said to me a few times, sister if na me get money like you I for don get pikin o (Sister if I had money like you do I would have already had a child). I would just smile 😊 and think, if only it was that simple!
I knew I wanted a child. I knew I could comfortably financially take care of some kids alone but I also knew it wasn’t all I wanted. I knew having kids alone wouldn’t be enough for me. Have kids and then what? I would have greatly reduced the pool of men that would want me for a wife because let’s face it, not all men, especially Nigerian men will want to marry a woman with children.
So I kept procrastinating. I would say okay by the coming new year if I don’t find a mate, I will take matters into my own hands. But then the year would come and go and I still wouldn’t do anything. But at 39 I started to make moves. I told myself, yes this isn’t the way I would have wanted it to go but usually you can’t win all in life. 🤷 I rather have kids alone than have neither. The option I was going to go for was IVF using Sperm donor. But just then I started courting my husband who had been my best friend for years, and the rest is history as they say. 😊
Why Settle when you can have everything you dreamed of
Having a child alone is another way of settling for less than you deserve. I look back now and I know my life would have been very different if my husband didn’t come when he did. The love and companionship I enjoy now can be compared to nothing. As much as I wanted a child, not even having a child compares to it, yes I mean that! And now I can have kids just as it’s meant to be, and I have this loving man to share every moment of the experience with, and raise wonderful kids with.💃
What most of us women really want is to have a family, a loving husband who will become a loving father to our children, someone we can plan out the rest of our lives with. And a little more patience could bring you the man of your dreams. I never ever thought that at my age I could find the type of man and the type of love that I did, but I did. And we had a beautiful wedding and we are living a happy life, thanks to God.
I have come to realize that things usually work themselves out if we will just give it some time. Even thinking back to when I was trying to grow a business and it took me 7 years before I could grow a successful business, it took patience and determination to live a better life for me to find myself where I am today in business. And my story is more inspiring today because of all the challenges I had to deal with. And I am able to use my story as a testimony here now because I had that long waiting period. So all the delays in business and in my love life all worked out for my good today because thanks to them I get to inspire others today, helping them to find the strength they need to cope with life’s challenges, and fight for the life they deserve.
I’m a very realistic person, so I’m going to add this. It is not easy to keep waiting when you’ve past a certain age. When you’re in your late 30s and single and childless and you’re financially independent you will feel a strong pressure, from yourself and from peers, to just have a baby alone. And haven been through that myself I can’t fault you if you have chosen to do that. It’s your decision. But if you’re just about hitting 30 or you’re 30, I’m saying there’s still some time. Be patient. The chance to give your future kids a home with a father and a mother and also to find love and eternal companionship is worth the wait. And my prayer for you is that when you do find a husband he makes it worth your wait like it was for me.
What You Should Consider doing Instead If You’re 30 Single and Childless
The main reason some single women who are 30 and childless wants to have a baby alone is because of the fear of their biological clock. So what if instead of having a baby now you create a backup plan for yourself in case you get married later and biology starts to work against you? 🤔
So how do you create a backup plan?
Have you heard of egg freezing? Maybe you have but just don’t know the details about it so it hasn’t been an option to consider.
Well let me tell you a little about it. Thanks to advancing technology you can retrieve some of your eggs while they are still of good quality and freeze them for as long as ten years! 💃This is not new. It’s been around for awhile but in our part of the world it’s still new, many average Nigerians don’t know about it.
When I was 30 I didn’t know about egg freezing, even if I did though it wouldn’t have mattered because I was still struggling to feed then so I wouldn’t have been able to afford it. But it would have been nice to know the option was available to me.
You may wonder could you still conceive naturally later if you freeze your eggs? Yes you could. Freezing some eggs doesn’t even reduce your ovarian reserve.
Egg freezing won’t lower your ovarian reserve and won’t decrease your chances of getting pregnancy naturally in the future. – Dr Maslow
ExtendFertility.com
You may not ever need to use the eggs you freeze, but if you do, if you marry late and have problem conceiving naturally due to age, you will have those quality eggs to fall back on through IVF. Without freezing your eggs, IVF above 35 using your own eggs has very low chance of success compared to IVF for 35 and under. It is part of planned Parenthood, delaying childbearing without the fear of infertility later.
Egg freezing isn’t cheap to do but it’s affordable if you earn well. The procedure may come with some risks so it’s something you should research on and speak to the right doctor about to know if it’s something you want to do.
All the best.