I recently read a post on Facebook that inspired this article. The writer was encouraging newlyweds who needed to talk to someone about some concerns and struggles they may be having in their marriage, figuring out this new phase of their lives, to come to her and she would listen and give support and advice. She made reference to a newly wedded man who confided in her about not knowing how to go about having sex with his wife and satisfying her since they both married as virgins.
She also added that getting married brings on a certain kind of loneliness that nobody tells you about because now you can no longer visit family and friends as you’d want to, and some friends especially single ones immediately distant themselves from you when you get married.
I read that and I couldn’t relate in anyway especially the part about loneliness in marriage. How? What sort of person did you marry and what sort of relationship do you have that you can’t visit your family and friends at will? Yes, when you get married your focus becomes the new family you’ve started, but it doesn’t and shouldn’t affect any other relationship you wish to keep in your life. That post made me wonder if some people really know what Oneness in marriage should be like, what the bible meant in Mark 10:8 when it says:
And the two will be one flesh, so that they are no longer two, but one flesh.
And no, you don’t have to be a Christian to understand and accept these words. As long as you believe in the concept of two becoming One in marriage then these words applies to your relationship regardless of your religious or non religious doctrine.
The poster of that article had good intentions no doubt. But like I commented on that post, we should be encouraging newlyweds to grow the love and Bond between them by communicating regularly with each other, encouraging them to come to her instead and even saying that there are some things they can’t share with their spouse, does more harm than good.
There Should Never Be Anything You Can’t Share With Your Spouse
When you start to believe that there are some things you can’t share with your spouse either because you are shy to or because you think he won’t understand, you gradually and unknowingly start to create a divide in your marriage/home.
Marriage shouldn’t be a Me and He thing. It should be an Us thing all the time. There should be no division. If you’re shy with your spouse, well start to work on that. I’m sure before getting married you knew that to make a marriage work will require some adjustments from the both of you. Well, this could be one of the areas you need to adjust in order for you to enjoy your marriage. If there’s anyone you can and should be freely open with it’s your spouse. Tell him anything and everything, there should be nothing you consider personal except if you feel it’s inconsequential. When you do that it brings you both closer and grows your love and Bond.
Did you marry a virgin and don’t know how to please your husband in bed? Does this make you feel less adequate? Are you both clueless in bed?
What are your fears about opening up to your husband? Are you afraid he wouldn’t see you the same anymore? Are you worried that if you let yourself loose sexually with him he will think you are morally spoilt or an ashewo (prostitute) as Nigerians put it?
These are valid concerns for a newlywed. And even for some old timers in marriage. So how do you handle this in Oneness? It starts with communication. Is he the type that is selfish in bed, he just comes to you, opens your legs does his thing and he’s out? He doesn’t care if you enjoyed yourself too, and that has now made sex feel like a task to you?
Talk to him. Otherwise you’re going to be dealing with this sexual frustration for the rest of your life. Forever is a really long time to be sexually starved and frustrated. So sit him down and in the most loving way bring up the subject. The secret to starting a conversation that reaches the heart of the receiver is to start on a positive note. Here’s an example which you can fine-tune to suit your reality.
“Honey, you know how much I love you. I said yes to forever with you because there’s no one else I’d rather be with. You’re loving, caring and a good provider. It is because I know you care for me and would want me to be happy in this marriage, and because I want us to enjoy our Union in every way possible that I decided to discuss something with you tonight.
When we have sex I do not enjoy it. And that makes me shy away from it and don’t want to do it as often as you want. It’s becoming something I do out of obligation and that’s not what I want. I want to enjoy it. I want to look forward to it with you. I want to want it as much as you want it. I feel that if you make more effort to get me stimulated, like put sometime into kissing me, touching me sexually my body will be ready to receive you when you do come inside me. And the pain I feel during the act won’t be there anymore and I can enjoy it too. We can also learn some new things together and generally improve on our sex life”
If it’s not that he’s selfish but it’s that you both are clueless about how to have good sex then use Google. Read up. Research on these things together. There’s nothing you want to learn about that the Internet cannot help you with. The person you want to talk to outside your home about these concerns can’t do anything for you except maybe give you some generic tips which you then have to go practice alone with your husband who wouldn’t have an idea what you’re doing because he wasn’t part of the conversation. But when you both are reading about it together, then he’s carried along. And therefore you can practice together.
Nobody was born sexually good in bed. It comes with experience. The more you read and explore the better you get at it. Not everything you read about and do will work for you and or him. But if you don’t try different things you won’t know what works best for you. Learning something like that together can be fun too. You get to laugh with each other and at each other 😄.
And remember you are married to this man! Legally and in the eyes of God. You can’t be worried about being seen as an ashewo when you are married. The only place you can and should be completely free to embrace your sexuality is in marriage.
Sex is a big part of what makes for a happy marriage. Therefore it is essential that a man and his wife be on the same page and demonstrate that Oneness as it relates to it. A couple cannot really be happy if one or both of them feel their needs are not being meant sexually.
Communication does wonders for a relationship. Your partner isn’t a mind reader. So if you don’t express yourself and encourage them to feel free to do the same with you, that marriage isn’t going to be an enjoyable one. Even when it is something you expect him to know about, still talk to him about it anyway. And even when it may be hard to communicate with certain types of persons you still need to do it.
I look at the bond between my husband and I today, how tight it is and how beautiful it is and I know it is all thanks to effective communication. We are both very open with each other. Nothing is off limit. I know he’s my biggest cheerleader. He knows I’m his. I know he loves me more than anyone else has ever loved me and he will always want the best for me. He feels the same way about me. So why should we hide from each other. 🤷
If you feel Lonely sometimes in your Marriage it may be Sign of a Deeper Issue
I know what feeling lonely is. I felt that way a lot of the time when I was single. The major reason for getting married for me is companionship, as it should be for everyone who gets married. Getting married isn’t to have kids or to have someone to share our chores and bills, it is to have a company always. Someone to share the good and bad times with. Someone to be with us in sickness and in health. Every other thing that comes with marriage after companionship is a bonus. So to still feel lonely while in a marriage isn’t normal, except in certain special circumstances.
If you are currently experiencing loneliness while married, this isn’t to invalidate your feelings. I just want to help you figure things out.
The first step to solving any problem is to get to the WHY of it. If you feel lonely sometimes, why? There are some valid reasons that could make a woman feel lonely while married, they include having a husband that leaves in another state or country, or that works long hours such as On call doctors, and if you’re a house wife while your husband is out for work or business most hours of the day.
If a woman is married to a man that works and comes home late but she doesn’t work, she can find herself home a lot and feeling lonely. In such circumstance it is understandable that there will be times a wife will feel lonely. But when a woman feels lonely because she can’t call/visit her family and friends like she used to, then there’s a problem. I mean why can’t you call or visit them, what’s the problem?
Is your husband not letting you do so? If so why? Are your friends lifestyles questionable and he doesn’t want you associated with that? That may be for your own good.
Is he possessive and just doesn’t want anyone around you including family? If the later is the case then that’s a controlling behavior and you should find a way to manage that now before it gets out of hand. Marriage isn’t a prison. That a man paid your bride price doesn’t mean he bought you or owns you. You shouldn’t feel restricted in anyway. You should be able to invite your relatives and friends over to spend sometime with you when you or them wants to, of course after discussing it with your husband.
In marriage his people becomes your people and vice versa. I try to care about everyone my husband cares about and he does the same. We are 6 months in marriage as at writing this. And so far my best friend has come over to visit and she even spent the night. Also my immediate elder sister has visited too and spent the night. In both cases my husband made sure they had a good time. He was a better host than I was. His cousin who is like a sibling to him also recently come with his family to visit us and they spent a night.
He calls my parents and siblings more than I call them. He calls my best friend sometimes too to see how she’s doing. He helps one of my nieces sort through some of the challenges she’s having. He’s made my people his people. And even though I am not as consistent as he is with checking on everyone, I do same for him too especially with his immediate family.
So there’s no reason why marriage should make your relationship with close friends and family members change. If your husband isn’t letting you reach out to them ask yourself is there a valid reason for it? I can’t see any reason that will make a husband prevent a wife from calling her people and inviting them to visit but who knows, it’s possible there’s a valid reason.
Personally I was never really into making friends, socializing and partying when I was single. That was never me. I only had one close friend who I considered my best friend. But if that was you, I can understand how marriage must have changed most of that for you. And depending on how much you enjoyed that lifestyle you could miss it now that you’re married.
Marriage puts you in a different phase of life with different priorities. That’s not a bad thing. After all change is the only constant thing there is in life and it’s one of the best ways to grow as an individual. So accept the change and find ways to fill up your time. I don’t miss anything from my single life because I had my full of single life. I was single for way too long and got really tired of that phase of life and wanted change. And I am enjoying this change. Anything I didn’t do when I was single was because I wasn’t interested.
There are some friends that it may be wise to distant yourself from when you’re married because of their lifestyle. But other than that, you should be able to keep them in your life. If they don’t call you, call them when you can and chat with them. Let them know marriage isn’t going to change anything about your relationship with them and you intend to maintain it, that’s if this really matters to you.
From my experience it is normal for marriage to change the dynamics of some friendships. For example when I was single I used to run every decision I wanted to make by my girlfriend who is my best friend. But now that I am married I have my husband to do that with, and my husband and I have a very close relationship, he is also my best friend and he’s very supportive. So the topics my girlfriend and I have to discuss has reduced. But she remains my best friend.
So if marriage has changed the dynamics of your relationship with friends, that’s not something to feel bad about. You’re in a different place in life now. Focus on that. And if your friends are really true friends they won’t make you feel guilty for that. Instead they will make efforts to remain close to you.
If you’re a house wife or your spouse is always working or lives in another country, get yourself busy. In this technology age you don’t have to go out of the house to be busy. There are so many things you can do from your phone that will fill up your time and help you acquire profitable skills, improve your self worth and fatten your bank account. I do not think that keeping busy can stop the feeling of loneliness when your spouse is not always around, but it’s a way to cope if that’s your reality for now. An idle mind they say is the devil’s workshop.
Caveat: I understand that not all men are the same and therefore not all marriages can be the same. There are some men that have made it difficult for their woman to confide in them or to freely express themselves either because they have shown they can’t be trusted or they lack trust themselves for their wives. So in such situations it is my recommendation that you do what you think is best for you based on the circumstances you find yourself. I really believe though that having good communication with our spouses can be the answer to a lot of problems that marriages face. Remember though that communication doesn’t involve just talking, it involves listening to the other party too.