The morning I found out I was pregnant my husband had gone out and he wouldn’t be returning until evening. I really wanted to share the news right away and cursed under by breath that why was it today that I had good news that he was out. I mean he’s usually at home in the mornings.

So I contemplated calling him and asking him to drive back home from wherever he was on his drive. But then I thought, no, I can wait till evening. My husband isn’t someone you ask to rush home without telling him why on the phone, otherwise he’d have a heart attack before getting home, out of panic over what could be the matter.

In the meantime I would go confirm officially that I was pregnant; as is the case with most women who find out they are pregnant, it was a home pregnancy test that had confirmed it for me at this time. So I went to a Lab and did a blood pregnancy test, and the result was astounding positive!

Now that it was hundred percent confirmed that I was pregnant and I still had a lot of time to myself before my husband returned, I started to think of the best way to reveal the good news to my husband.

I rushed to Google. I’d actually previously ran some Google searches on ideas for announcing pregnancy to your husband, ahead of getting pregnant. I did that because I knew it will be big for us when it did happen. So I had been thinking about it for awhile, but I didn’t really find any suggestion that would work for us. In the end I decided to put the pregnancy test stick still showing the two positive lines into an envelop and when he returns and settles in I’d give him and tell him that his one year wedding anniversary gift came in early.

You see, I remember thinking earlier on, when I was considering what to get him for our first year wedding anniversary, that it would be nice if I got pregnant before our anniversary so that I could present him the baby as his gift. So that was where that idea came from. But when he got home I was so excited and nervous (because I wanted the surprise to go right) that I didn’t wait for him to settle in. And I just presented the envelope to him and forgot the part about mentioning it was his anniversary gift, instead I said the envelope was left at the door for him earlier in the day.

As he was opening it he was saying it has to be from the management of our flat notifying us of the upcoming rent renewal. Then he brought out the stick and he was confused. He was looking at it like what’s this? He didn’t get it. I had to tell him “I’m pregnant!”. He was shocked. He thought it was a prank. He didn’t believe it until I showed him the official test result. I then told him how I found out and that I had to take a blood test before he got home to be very sure before telling him. I expressed to him all my actions and emotions after I found out I was pregnant. I even played for him the video I did of the moment. He was overwhelmed with joy. He looked at me and said something about how God has been so generous to me. I agreed with that.

He had had a very hectic day that day. He didn’t get home until very late because his car had developed a fault on the mainland and we live on the Island (if you live in Lagos Nigeria you would know these areas). And to drive back home he had to fix the car and that took a lot of time and effort.

By the time he got home he was exhausted. But after hearing the news my husband that walked into the house looking like his body was running on his last energy, became very energetic and he didn’t sleep that day until past 3am, I think. He was up just playing some of his favorite native music. And I was awake with him still not believing the news of the day. All through my pregnancy I still had days I couldn’t believe that it happened for me, I was pregnant! . Why, you ask? You would understand from the article First Pregnancy at 40!.

The post How I Announced My First Pregnancy To My Husband appeared first on The Good and Happy Wife Blog.

Note: The article you are about to read was written in real time (hours after I discovered I was pregnant), but it wasn’t published in real time. As much as I wished I could share the good news with the world in real time, I held off and waited to meet my child first before sharing the news online because I am someone that generally want to see things to the end first before sharing it with the world. As at posting this my baby has been born (born November 23rd, 2022) and gradually counting down to 6 months. I’m happy to share this article with you now so you know the feelings I had in those moments.

1:01am Saturday April 2nd, 2022.

It’s been over 36hours since I found out I am pregnant. And I still can’t believe I am pregnant! It was 10:09am March 31st, 2022 when I causally picked up one of my many home pregnancy test sticks thinking it was going to be another negative (I had been testing for pregnancy since one month after my wedding) only to be surprised with a strong positive! I was shocked. I couldn’t believe what my eyes were seeing.

Am I really pregnant? How come? Of course I know how come but it’s just that I’d been trying for awhile and nothing. And while I kept taking steps to help matters and praying I conceived naturally, in one part of my mind I thought it would never happen. As at finding out I was pregnant I was 9 months 2 weeks and 5 days old in marriage. And for that long I had been eagerly trying to get pregnant without success.

I went into my marriage prepared to get pregnant on my wedding night. When my husband decided the wedding should be June 2021, I actually chose 12th of that month because I had thought that I was going to be ovulating that week. Unfortunately my fertile period for that month came a few days earlier than I had expected. But from the next month I was eagerly trying to conceive. And being newlyweds we barely could keep our hands and bodies off each other So you’d expect that things would happen quicker, but no.

This wouldn’t have been a problem, I mean why the rush to get pregnant right? I married the man of my dreams and I was deliriously happy just being with him. In fact I had days in my marriage when I questioned the need to have a child. I felt contented with just having him in my life and I was genuinely enjoying life with just the two of us. I worried about sharing my time with kids and sharing my husband with them. That’s how much I loved our vibe together.

But on the other hand, on most days I desired to experience the love from a child too. The joy of nursing a child in the womb for 9 months and experiencing all that comes with it. The crazy and emotional moment of finally meeting this child. And the overwhelming love that engulfs a new mom and make them want to protect this innocent one against all evils for the rest of their lives. And then the joy and amazement of watching them grow up and blossom into beautiful, smart and intelligent man or woman, and really witnessing the miracle of it all. I knew that at the end of the day my life wouldn’t be whole without having a child.

Also I couldn’t wait to bear a fruit of our love. A physical representation of the man of my dreams and me. I wanted to see how our genes coming together will look like and see the love of my life in the role of a father 24/7. It was what I mostly dreamed of after our wedding. But I must act fast, the biological clock wasn’t on my side. All the medical experts say that fertility reduces greatly after age 35.
Infact according to reproductivefacts.org

By age 40, a woman’s chance of getting pregnant is less than 5% per cycle, so fewer than 5 out of every 100 women are expected to be successful each month.

And I had turned 40 two months into my marriage hence the desperation. And I also want at least two kids. And with just 5 years or less left of my fertility window it was important that things happened quicker rather than later.

What a relief this brought to us, my husband and I. He was worried about this I know, but not really for himself because he was ready to do the work and wait however long it took us, but he knew I wasn’t ready. He knew I wanted it now! Several times I would bring it up to him, out of the blue, “I want a baby”, “I want to be pregnant”, “Give me a baby”. And I knew each time I said that he must have wished he could make it happen for me right away. It gave him cause for concern just seeing me worry about it so much. We both agreed we were going to take advantage of as many options as possible for us to get pregnant before giving up. And then if it didn’t happen after all that, we would have to accept it.

The first option we looked into was IVF. I told my husband I think one month into our marriage that if after four months of trying we don’t get pregnant we should look into IVF. Normally four months isn’t a long enough time to be worried about one’s fertility as not every woman will get pregnant in the first few months of trying, and it doesn’t suddenly mean they have fertility problem. It just sometimes takes longer for some women/couple for whatever reason. But as I have said before, because of my age, I didn’t want to waste so much time trying before getting help. So after four months in marriage we went for IVF consultation.

We ended up doing a cycle of IVF that failed. After that failed, I told my husband we should take a few months break from IVF. IVF does a lot to a woman’s body. It’s very invasive and lots of injections to deal with. I wasn’t sure I was ready to do it all over again, at least not without trying something else first. So I said let’s go back to trying natural conception, if after another 3-4 months of trying we still don’t conceive then we can go back to do a second cycle of IVF. I found out I was pregnant three months after our failed IVF cycle. All glory to God.

I was 40 when I got pregnant and was delivered of a beautiful Baby girl at age 41! And she’s added so much joy in our lives. We feel very blessed.

The post First Pregnancy At 40 – I’m Finally Going To Be A Mom! appeared first on The Good and Happy Wife Blog.

The question is understandable. But before I comment on it let’s remind you of what Genotype is and what’s compatible and what’s not.

Dr. Ademola Peter in one of his articles sometime ago on Genotype compatibility and Blood groups said this about what Genotype is.

Genotype simply refers to hemoglobin gene constituents. Genes are always in pairs and overall expression depends whether dominant, recessive or X-linked. So there is no problem when one of the genes is abnormal e.g. AS, AC. This is called a carrier state (Sickle cell trait). Only when the two are abnormal then there is a great problem.

The great problem the doctor referred to above that we have to avoid when choosing a marriage mate is Sickle cell anemia.

Sickle cell anemia is one of a group of inherited disorders known as sickle cell disease. It affects the shape of red blood cells, which carry oxygen to all parts of the body.

Red blood cells are usually round and flexible, so they move easily through blood vessels. In sickle cell anemia, some red blood cells are shaped like sickles or crescent moons. These sickle cells also become rigid and sticky, which can slow or block blood flow.

There’s no cure for most people with sickle cell anemia.

Mayo Clinic

Compatible Genotypes

The Genotypes in humans are AA, AS, AC, SS.
We care about Genotype compatibility for two people intending to marry because if they have children like most married couples choose to do, they can pass the abnormal hemoglobin to their child or children.

Normal Hemoglobin
AA

Abnormal Hemoglobin
AS and AC (Medically known as having the sickle cell trait).

Then someone with SS is a person with the Sickle cell anemia.

To avoid having a child with Sickle cell anemia, a person with the abnormal hemoglobin which is translated as AS or AC MUST NOT marry someone who also has abnormal hemoglobin. However, the person with normal hemoglobin AA can marry someone with the abnormal hemoglobin and even someone with the Sickle cell disease without fear of creating any medical problem for their unborn children.

Please note that there are two things, sickle cell trait and sickle cell disease. They are NOT the same thing. While one is a serious medical condition (Sickle cell disease) the other is not a medical condition. Although if you research further on sickle cell trait you will come to find that it is possible for people with sickle cell trait to experience some conditions that can lead to serious health issues, but this rarely happens according to experts. Most people with sickle cell trait go on to live very normal lives. In reality I am yet to see a person with the Genotype AS having any health issue due to being a carrier of the defective gene.

So for Genotype combination for marriage, this means:

AA and AA – Compatible (Avoids passing the sickle cell trait to their child or children)

AA and AS or AA and AC – Compatible (but there is a chance of passing the sickle cell trait to their child or children).

AA and SS – Compatible (but ALL their children will have the sickle cell trait, meaning they will all be AS).

AS and AS or AC and AC – NOT compatible (there’s one in three chances that they will have a child with the disease, worse it’s possible that ALL their children will have it).

AS and SS or AC and SS – NOT compatible (there’s a one in two chances that they will have a child with the disease, worse it’s possible that all their children will have it.).

SS and SS – NOT compatible (All their children will have the Sickle cell disease).

Finally to round up the biological information on compatible Genotype for marriage let’s answer some commonly asked questions.

What happens if Genotype AS marry AS?

Like I said above, there’s a chance of conceiving a child with SS Genotype, a Sickle cell anemia child. Not that it is guaranteed to happen. But there’s a one in three chances of it happening. When AS marries AS the possible Genotype they will create are AA, AS and SS.

Can AS marry AA and give birth to AA?
As I have said above, yes they can.

Can AA marry SS and give birth to SS?
No. There’s no chance of that happening.

So is Genotype Compatibility for Marriage Still as Serious as it Used to Be?

I remember when I got to know about Genotype, I was barely an adult. Actually a Christian sister had lost her young son and I went with my mom to visit her. We didn’t know the cause of his death prior to visiting them. But when we got there the woman was telling some of her guests what happened to him, and mentioned that he was of the Genotype SS.

My mom hadn’t heard about the condition before and therefore was shook to hear it was life threatening. I know she was shook because the next day she took my sister and I (we were the two  children still at home) and her two grandchildren then to a lab to check our Genotype. Fortunately our results were all AA including my mom’s. I repeated that test at least three times after that initial test before getting married. That is because of how important it is that one be compatible with their intended to avoid long term painful consequences both for the unborn child/children and their parents.

So to answer the question, technology may have evolved and medicine may have advanced, but it is still as important as it has always been to have a compatible Genotype with your intended, for most of us anyway. For the few rich who have lots of millions of Naira to spare and don’t mind the time and trouble involved, in the name of love, IVF now offers a way out for incompatible partners to have kids with zero chance of them having Sick cell Anaemia.

There’s a Way for AS and AS to Get Married and Have Kids Who Are Not Sicklers

In Nigeria we call those with Sickle cell Anemia Sicklers. Can AS and AS get married now and have kids who don’t have Sickle cell disease? The answer is Yes. Like I said at the beginning medicine has advanced. Here’s the solution to Genotype AS + AS.

The process that enables this is called Preimplantation Genetic Diagnosis (PGD) and it

refers specifically to a diagnostic method that allows intending parents to avoid the risk of passing on a known genetic disease to their child/children.

Nordica

And one of such Genetic diseases is Sickle cell. The procedure has a 99.9 percent success rate.

However, any couple doing the procedure will have to artificially conceive all their children because it is the embryo that has been confirmed to be free of the disease that will then be implanted in the woman, making natural conception not an option for such ones.

If this is something that interest you and you want more information on how the process works and the actual cost, then please do some research and book appointment with a good fertility clinic. But I can tell you though that PGD is not cheap. And the fact that you have to conceive artificially means having a baby at the end of the day comes with all the cons that comes with IVF treatment, one of them being that conception is not guaranteed even after spending all the millions.

My Advice on Genotype Compatibility

I know it is not easy but trust me it is easier to wait however long it takes you to wait for a partner whose genotype is compatible with yours and that loves you, than it is to give in and marry someone whose Genotype isn’t compatible with yours because you think with love nothing else matters. It matters dear, except you won’t see how much it matters now until it will be too late.

It is true that when AS marries AS there’s a chance that they won’t have a sickle cell child. But there’s also a chance that all their kids will be SS. As long as that chance exists that you will have a child that has the disease, it is not worth it. I’ve been opportune to read about the condition from some of those who suffer from it and honestly it’s not something you wish on your enemy not to talk of someone you love. The condition is described with a lot of pain whenever there’s an episode. And the sufferer is in and out of the hospital for most of their lives. The condition also limits them sometimes from socializing and attending to their studies.

The sickle cells die early, which causes a constant shortage of red blood cells. Also, when they travel through small blood vessels, they get stuck and clog the blood flow. This can cause pain and other serious complications (health problems) such as infection, acute chest syndrome and stroke.

CDC.Gov

And aside the pain and trouble of having a child who is always sick, there’s the financial burden too. Keep in mind the condition has no cure. It can only be managed.

What if you just agree with your intended not to have kids, and never have to be bothered by Genotype compatibility. That works. But I don’t recommend it. The reason is because one or both partners down the road can have a change of mind and start to want kids, maybe due to peer pressure, I have seen it happen, so then what. Again, it’s not worth it.

Finally, now that we’ve clarified that Genetic compatibility for marriage is still very important, make sure to run Genotype test a number of times in different laboratory/hospital to be completely sure of your status. And this is whether you’re AA or AS. Stories abound of labs giving wrong results to people. So go to competent labs to reconfirm your Genotype.

If you did a Genotype test during your University/Polytechnic admission days, please don’t trust the result. I speak from personal experience. Those people sometimes mix up samples and give wrong result to students.

Also no second guessing your Genotype status, even when your parents claim to both be AA, still go check yours. It’s possible they are wrong. You can’t afford to second guess and be wrong. Also I’m sure there are some people out there who are not being told who their biological father is. That’s most likely not your case but you get the point .

The post Genotype Compatibility For Marriage – Is It Still As Serious As It Used To Be? appeared first on The Good and Happy Wife Blog.

The Rush against the Female Biological Clock

I’ve been there. In the article Over 30, Single and Childless should I be worried? I shared my struggles in that period of my life. And as I said in that article between 38 and 39 I was seriously thinking about going through one of the methods available to me to have a child without a husband. And I wanted to do that for two reasons:

1. I was getting close to 40 very fast. And I knew husband or no husband I didn’t want to be having kids when I was 45 and above. So I felt if I didn’t start then (and I planned to have at least two kids), I was going to find myself still having kids when I was almost 45 or even above.Aside from the risks the mother faces when having kids late, fertility reduces with age.
   And 40 and above are likely to suffer from infertility due to low ovarian reserve, meaning the numbers of eggs the woman has left has greatly reduced, especially in quality. And I didn’t want to go through life without having kids. I didn’t mind not getting married. By 38 I had made peace with the possibility that I’d never find the kind of man I wanted and therefore I’d never get married. But not having kids? No, I wouldn’t feel complete if I don’t have kids. I felt I didn’t have control over getting a husband but I could choose to have kids myself if I wanted.
2. If you’re someone who loves kids and your dream is to have some, there will be a point you get to in life when the desire to have your own kids and experience all that comes with it will become really strong. I was at that stage. Infact I had been at that stage since I was 35. But I kept waiting and I kept hoping that I would find a husband, because as much as I wanted kids and I knew I could have them and take care of them myself, that wasn’t the dream. That wasn’t how I wanted to have kids. Each time I pictured myself having a family I pictured it with a husband. I pictured my kids having a father and a mother.

30 is Too Early to be that Desperate

Desperation comes with age. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Most singles approaching 30 and over 30 gets desperate to settle down and have kids. I made some mistakes myself out of desperation.

I dated someone I should never have dated. I knew from the beginning that this person wasn’t right for me. But I went ahead regardless because I just wanted to feel like I had someone in my life. I felt that was better than the loneliness. But I knew I was more than that so that quickly came to an end. I also considered marrying a few persons I shouldn’t have. Thank God none of it lead to the altar, I would have regretted it big time!

In the end I decided it was better to go through life alone than to settle for less, which was when I decided hey, I should just have a child I don’t need a man!

So I understand desperation. But 30 is just too early to be so desperate that you want to have a child on your own. Calm down. There’s still some time. There’s still 5 years before 35, that’s more than enough time to find, court and get married. And a lot of people have gotten married at 35 and conceived without any problem. Keep in mind that getting married late doesn’t necessarily mean that it will be hard for you to have kids. Just as getting married early isn’t a guarantee that a woman won’t be faced with infertility. There are people who married early and are now in their late 30s and 40s and still childless.

My point with that is we don’t have control over these things so no need trying to play God. Let things play out on their own, it might all just work to your favor as it did for me. The delay I had finding a husband turned out to be a big blessing. It allowed me enough time to grow my business, my income and my assets, and just when I had done all that I got the man of my dreams!

When you don’t have kids and you want them desperately, it’s easy to think that having kids will solve your problems. You won’t feel lonely anymore you’ll think. But that’s not true. If that were to be true, we won’t have single moms looking for a husband. Going through life alone with kids you have to raise by yourself and do everything for, isn’t easy. From what I see and hear sometimes from people doing it, it can be very overwhelming, and lonely too. And as you deal with that, your kids won’t let you rest with questions about why their dad is not in their lives, plus the void that will cause in their lives too.

Like I said before, I had wanted kids since I was 35. I actually wanted kids before I was 35 but I didn’t let myself worry about that as much then because in my early thirties I was still struggling to feed myself. So making money to be able to live better was my focus then. But before 36 my financial situation had greatly improved. I could have pursued the process of having a child by myself from age 36. But each time I thought about it I got scared from it because I knew it was a lot to take on alone.

Imagine being pregnant and sleeping and waking up all alone. Nobody to be there for you. Yes you can hire a live in Help, but you and I know that the kind of care and attention a pregnant woman needs the most can’t come from a Help, it can’t even come from a best friend. So you go through the pregnancy all alone then on the day of delivery nobody’s there for you too. Yes, there could be maybe a sibling, cousin or a friend there in the labor room with you, but the feeling won’t be the same. Nothing like the father of the child sharing this moment with you, the pains and the joy.

I also knew I wanted more. Like I said at the beginning of this, having a child on my own wasn’t the dream.

My niece who lived with me from 2019 till I got married said to me a few times, sister if na me get money like you I for don get pikin o (Sister if I had money like you do I would have already had a child). I would just smile and think, if only it was that simple!

I knew I wanted a child. I knew I could comfortably financially take care of some kids alone but I also knew it wasn’t all I wanted. I knew having kids alone wouldn’t be enough for me. Have kids and then what? I would have greatly reduced the pool of men that would want me for a wife because let’s face it, not all men, especially Nigerian men will want to marry a woman with children.

So I kept procrastinating. I would say okay by the coming new year if I don’t find a mate, I will take matters into my own hands. But then the year would come and go and I still wouldn’t do anything. But at 39 I started to make moves. I told myself, yes this isn’t the way I would have wanted it to go but usually you can’t win all in life. I rather have kids alone than have neither. The option I was going to go for was IVF using Sperm donor. But just then I started courting my husband who had been my best friend for years, and the rest is history as they say.

Why Settle when you can have everything you dreamed of

Having a child alone is another way of settling for less than you deserve. I look back now and I know my life would have been very different if my husband didn’t come when he did. The love and companionship I enjoy now can be compared to nothing. As much as I wanted a child, not even having a child compares to it, yes I mean that! And now I can have kids just as it’s meant to be, and I have this loving man to share every moment of the experience with, and raise wonderful kids with.

What most of us women really want is to have a family, a loving husband who will become a loving father to our children, someone we can plan out the rest of our lives with. And a little more patience could bring you the man of your dreams. I never ever thought that at my age I could find the type of man and the type of love that I did, but I did. And we had a beautiful wedding and we are living a happy life, thanks to God.

I have come to realize that things usually work themselves out if we will just give it some time. Even thinking back to when I was trying to grow a business and it took me 7 years before I could grow a successful business, it took patience and determination to live a better life for me to find myself where I am today in business. And my story is more inspiring today because of all the challenges I had to deal with. And I am able to use my story as a testimony here now because I had that long waiting period. So all the delays in business and in my love life all worked out for my good today because thanks to them I get to inspire others today, helping them to find the strength they need to cope with life’s challenges, and fight for the life they deserve.

I’m a very realistic person, so I’m going to add this. It is not easy to keep waiting when you’ve past a certain age. When you’re in your late 30s and single and childless and you’re financially independent you will feel a strong pressure, from yourself and from peers, to just have a baby alone. And haven been through that myself I can’t fault you if you have chosen to do that. It’s your decision. But if you’re just about hitting 30 or you’re 30, I’m saying there’s still some time. Be patient. The chance to give your future kids a home with a father and a mother and also to find love and eternal companionship is worth the wait. And my prayer for you is that when you do find a husband he makes it worth your wait like it was for me.

What You Should Consider doing Instead If You’re 30 Single and Childless

The main reason some single women who are 30 and childless wants to have a baby alone is because of the fear of their biological clock. So what if instead of having a baby now you create a backup plan for yourself in case you get married later and biology starts to work against you?

So how do you create a backup plan?

Have you heard of egg freezing? Maybe you have but just don’t know the details about it so it hasn’t been an option to consider.

Well let me tell you a little about it. Thanks to advancing technology you can retrieve some of your eggs while they are still of good quality and freeze them for as long as ten years! This is not new. It’s been around for awhile but in our part of the world it’s still new, many average Nigerians don’t know about it.

When I was 30 I didn’t know about egg freezing, even if I did though it wouldn’t have mattered because I was still struggling to feed then so I wouldn’t have been able to afford it. But it would have been nice to know the option was available to me.

You may wonder could you still conceive naturally later if you freeze your eggs? Yes you could. Freezing some eggs doesn’t even reduce your ovarian reserve.

Egg freezing won’t lower your ovarian reserve and won’t decrease your chances of getting pregnancy naturally in the future. – Dr Maslow

ExtendFertility.com
You may not ever need to use the eggs you freeze, but if you do, if you marry late and have problem conceiving naturally due to age, you will have those quality eggs to fall back on through IVF. Without freezing your eggs, IVF above 35 using your own eggs has very low chance of success compared to IVF for 35 and under. It is part of planned Parenthood, delaying childbearing without the fear of infertility later.

Egg freezing isn’t cheap to do but it’s affordable if you earn well. The procedure may come with some risks so it’s something you should research on and speak to the right doctor about to know if it’s something you want to do.

All the best.

The post 30 Single And Wants A Baby – Should You Have A Baby Without A Husband? appeared first on The Good and Happy Wife Blog.

She also added that getting married brings on a certain kind of loneliness that nobody tells you about because now you can no longer visit family and friends as you’d want to, and some friends especially single ones immediately distant themselves from you when you get married.

I read that and I couldn’t relate in anyway especially the part about loneliness in marriage. How? What sort of person did you marry and what sort of relationship do you have that you can’t visit your family and friends at will? Yes, when you get married your focus becomes the new family you’ve started, but it doesn’t and shouldn’t affect any other relationship you wish to keep in your life. That post made me wonder if some people really know what Oneness in marriage should be like, what the bible meant in Mark 10:8 when it says:

And the two will be one flesh, so that they are no longer two, but one flesh.

And no, you don’t have to be a Christian to understand and accept these words. As long as you believe in the concept of two becoming One in marriage then these words applies to your relationship regardless of your religious or non religious doctrine.

The poster of that article had good intentions no doubt. But like I commented on that post, we should be encouraging newlyweds to grow the love and Bond between them by communicating regularly with each other, encouraging them to come to her instead and even saying that there are some things they can’t share with their spouse, does more harm than good.

There Should Never Be Anything You Can’t Share With Your Spouse

When you start to believe that there are some things you can’t share with your spouse either because you are shy to or because you think he won’t understand, you gradually and unknowingly start to create a divide in your marriage/home.

Marriage shouldn’t be a Me and He thing. It should be an Us thing all the time. There should be no division. If you’re shy with your spouse, well start to work on that. I’m sure before getting married you knew that to make a marriage work will require some adjustments from the both of you. Well, this could be one of the areas you need to adjust in order for you to enjoy your marriage. If there’s anyone you can and should be freely open with it’s your spouse. Tell him anything and everything, there should be nothing you consider personal except if you feel it’s inconsequential. When you do that it brings you both closer and grows your love and Bond.

Did you marry a virgin and don’t know how to please your husband in bed? Does this make you feel less adequate? Are you both clueless in bed?

What are your fears about opening up to your husband? Are you afraid he wouldn’t see you the same anymore? Are you worried that if you let yourself loose sexually with him he will think you are morally spoilt or an ashewo (prostitute) as Nigerians put it?

These are valid concerns for a newlywed. And even for some old timers in marriage. So how do you handle this in Oneness? It starts with communication. Is he the type that is selfish in bed, he just comes to you, opens your legs does his thing and he’s out? He doesn’t care if you enjoyed yourself too, and that has now made sex feel like a task to you?

Talk to him. Otherwise you’re going to be dealing with this sexual frustration for the rest of your life. Forever is a really long time to be sexually starved and frustrated. So sit him down and in the most loving way bring up the subject. The secret to starting a conversation that reaches the heart of the receiver is to start on a positive note. Here’s an example which you can fine-tune to suit your reality.

“Honey, you know how much I love you. I said yes to forever with you because there’s no one else I’d rather be with. You’re loving, caring and a good provider. It is because I know you care for me and would want me to be happy in this marriage, and because I want us to enjoy our Union in every way possible that I decided to discuss something with you tonight.
When we have sex I do not enjoy it. And that makes me shy away from it and don’t want to do it as often as you want. It’s becoming something I do out of obligation and that’s not what I want. I want to enjoy it. I want to look forward to it with you. I want to want it as much as you want it. I feel that if you make more effort to get me stimulated, like put sometime into kissing me, touching me sexually my body will be ready to receive you when you do come inside me. And the pain I feel during the act won’t be there anymore and I can enjoy it too. We can also learn some new things together and generally improve on our sex life”

If it’s not that he’s selfish but it’s that you both are clueless about how to have good sex then use Google. Read up. Research on these things together. There’s nothing you want to learn about that the Internet cannot help you with. The person you want to talk to outside your home about these concerns can’t do anything for you except maybe give you some generic tips which you then have to go practice alone with your husband who wouldn’t have an idea what you’re doing because he wasn’t part of the conversation. But when you both are reading about it together, then he’s carried along. And therefore you can practice together.

Nobody was born sexually good in bed. It comes with experience. The more you read and explore the better you get at it. Not everything you read about and do will work for you and or him. But if you don’t try different things you won’t know what works best for you. Learning something like that together can be fun too. You get to laugh with each other and at each other .

And remember you are married to this man! Legally and in the eyes of God. You can’t be worried about being seen as an ashewo when you are married. The only place you can and should be completely free to embrace your sexuality is in marriage.

Sex is a big part of what makes for a happy marriage. Therefore it is essential that a man and his wife be on the same page and demonstrate that Oneness as it relates to it. A couple cannot really be happy if one or both of them feel their needs are not being meant sexually.

Communication does wonders for a relationship. Your partner isn’t a mind reader. So if you don’t express yourself and encourage them to feel free to do the same with you, that marriage isn’t going to be an enjoyable one. Even when it is something you expect him to know about, still talk to him about it anyway. And even when it may be hard to communicate with certain types of persons you still need to do it.

I look at the bond between my husband and I today, how tight it is and how beautiful it is and I know it is all thanks to effective communication. We are both very open with each other. Nothing is off limit. I know he’s my biggest cheerleader. He knows I’m his. I know he loves me more than anyone else has ever loved me and he will always want the best for me. He feels the same way about me. So why should we hide from each other.

If you feel Lonely sometimes in your Marriage it may be Sign of a Deeper Issue

I know what feeling lonely is. I felt that way a lot of the time when I was single. The major reason for getting married for me is companionship, as it should be for everyone who gets married. Getting married isn’t to have kids or to have someone to share our chores and bills, it is to have a company always. Someone to share the good and bad times with. Someone to be with us in sickness and in health. Every other thing that comes with marriage after companionship is a bonus. So to still feel lonely while in a marriage isn’t normal, except in certain special circumstances.

If you are currently experiencing loneliness while married, this isn’t to invalidate your feelings. I just want to help you figure things out.

The first step to solving any problem is to get to the WHY of it. If you feel lonely sometimes, why? There are some valid reasons that could make a woman feel lonely while married, they include having a husband that leaves in another state or country, or that works long hours such as On call doctors, and if you’re a house wife while your husband is out for work or business most hours of the day.

If a woman is married to a man that works and comes home late but she doesn’t work, she can find herself home a lot and feeling lonely. In such circumstance it is understandable that there will be times a wife will feel lonely. But when a woman feels lonely because she can’t call/visit her family and friends like she used to, then there’s a problem. I mean why can’t you call or visit them, what’s the problem?

Is your husband not letting you do so? If so why? Are your friends lifestyles questionable and he doesn’t want you associated with that? That may be for your own good.

Is he possessive and just doesn’t want anyone around you including family? If the later is the case then that’s a controlling behavior and you should find a way to manage that now before it gets out of hand. Marriage isn’t a prison. That a man paid your bride price doesn’t mean he bought you or owns you. You shouldn’t feel restricted in anyway. You should be able to invite your relatives and friends over to spend sometime with you when you or them wants to, of course after discussing it with your husband.

In marriage his people becomes your people and vice versa. I try to care about everyone my husband cares about and he does the same. We are 6 months in marriage as at writing this. And so far my best friend has come over to visit and she even spent the night. Also my immediate elder sister has visited too and spent the night. In both cases my husband made sure they had a good time. He was a better host than I was. His cousin who is like a sibling to him also recently come with his family to visit us and they spent a night.

He calls my parents and siblings more than I call them. He calls my best friend sometimes too to see how she’s doing. He helps one of my nieces sort through some of the challenges she’s having. He’s made my people his people. And even though I am not as consistent as he is with checking on everyone, I do same for him too especially with his immediate family.

So there’s no reason why marriage should make your relationship with close friends and family members change. If your husband isn’t letting you reach out to them ask yourself is there a valid reason for it? I can’t see any reason that will make a husband prevent a wife from calling her people and inviting them to visit but who knows, it’s possible there’s a valid reason.

Personally I was never really into making friends, socializing and partying when I was single. That was never me. I only had one close friend who I considered my best friend. But if that was you, I can understand how marriage must have changed most of that for you. And depending on how much you enjoyed that lifestyle you could miss it now that you’re married.

Marriage puts you in a different phase of life with different priorities. That’s not a bad thing. After all change is the only constant thing there is in life and it’s one of the best ways to grow as an individual. So accept the change and find ways to fill up your time. I don’t miss anything from my single life because I had my full of single life. I was single for way too long and got really tired of that phase of life and wanted change. And I am enjoying this change. Anything I didn’t do when I was single was because I wasn’t interested.

There are some friends that it may be wise to distant yourself from when you’re married because of their lifestyle. But other than that, you should be able to keep them in your life. If they don’t call you, call them when you can and chat with them. Let them know marriage isn’t going to change anything about your relationship with them and you intend to maintain it, that’s if this really matters to you.

From my experience it is normal for marriage to change the dynamics of some friendships. For example when I was single I used to run every decision I wanted to make by my girlfriend who is my best friend. But now that I am married I have my husband to do that with, and my husband and I have a very close relationship, he is also my best friend and he’s very supportive. So the topics my girlfriend and I have to discuss has reduced. But she remains my best friend.

So if marriage has changed the dynamics of your relationship with friends, that’s not something to feel bad about. You’re in a different place in life now. Focus on that. And if your friends are really true friends they won’t make you feel guilty for that. Instead they will make efforts to remain close to you.

If you’re a house wife or your spouse is always working or lives in another country, get yourself busy. In this technology age you don’t have to go out of the house to be busy. There are so many things you can do from your phone that will fill up your time and help you acquire profitable skills, improve your self worth and fatten your bank account. I do not think that keeping busy can stop the feeling of loneliness when your spouse is not always around, but it’s a way to cope if that’s your reality for now. An idle mind they say is the devil’s workshop.

Caveat: I understand that not all men are the same and therefore not all marriages can be the same. There are some men that have made it difficult for their woman to confide in them or to freely express themselves either because they have shown they can’t be trusted or they lack trust themselves for their wives. So in such situations it is my recommendation that you do what you think is best for you based on the circumstances you find yourself. I really believe though that having good communication with our spouses can be the answer to a lot of problems that marriages face. Remember though that communication doesn’t involve just talking, it involves listening to the other party too.

The post And The Two Will Be One Flesh – Newlywed Marriage Advice appeared first on The Good and Happy Wife Blog.

You’re clearly at a point in your life when getting married and having kids has become a priority for you. So even if I say don’t worry, realistically it’s not possible for you to stop worrying about this.

Also because there are valid reasons to be worried. While there is no time limit as to when to get married, there is a time limit to childbearing for women. Medical experts say an average woman’s reproductive years are between ages 21 to 51. And that as you get older your fertility declines and it becomes harder for you to conceive. And this applies to IVF too.

According to WebMD.com

The latest report, from 2018, shows that 50% of IVF procedures in women ages 35 and under resulted in a live birth. For women ages 42 and older, 3.9% of the egg transfers resulted in a birth.

See the huge difference between 35 and under and 42 and older? It’s scary to think about.

Then there’s the health risks too for older pregnant women.

This is not to add to your anxiety rather to keep things honest and practical.

You’re Not Alone

I read a post a few days ago by a lady who just clocked 30 and was feeling underachieved. She had planned out her life in her head and according to that plan she was supposed to have had a successful career by now and was supposed to have finished childbearing too. But here she was, no degree, no marriage and no children. I read her post and it touched me because I knew exactly how that feels and I know there are too many women in her shoes. I keep thinking how can I help this group of women, it’s partly why I started the Dear Karo session on this website. To give my time to listen to these women and offer them emotional and moral support. It’s not easy dealing with the feeling of sadness and loneliness alone. It could lead to serious depression. So anything I can do to help I’m open to it.

35 Single and Childless – The Struggle is Real

I remember when I was 30. That was 2011. In 2011 I was jobless, no money, no degree, no husband and no child. I was staying alone in one tiny room in a compound I will describe as ghetto. Imagine a house of 25 rooms how crowded that would be. I was only able to feed from the little allowance my elder sister was giving me. I had a job for 2 years plus. My salary was meager just N21k (I only had Ordinary National Diploma and was working with that) but as at then it was enough to take care of my basic needs. But then I lost that job unexpectedly in 2009. I was fired from the job suddenly and no reason was giving to me as to why I was being let go.

I went home and cried my eyes out. Then later I got really angry at how easily they got rid of me without caring about how I will survive. That was when I decided that I will never work for anyone again. I refuse to give someone that much control over my life again. So I decided to create a job for myself.

At this time I had given up on furthering my Education. I really wasn’t a school person anyway. All I wanted was just to get a BSC and be done. But after OND and direct entry wasn’t happening fast enough, I was over it.

Creating a successful business is easier said than done. But I started on it. I wanted to learn how to make money online because working from home is the best way to get the lifestyle I wanted for myself. When my sister discovered my interest in that she decided to place me on an allowance so I wouldn’t need to get another job and I could focus on learning the trade I was interested in. The allowance wasn’t much and I struggled to survive with it.

I didn’t expect things to happen quickly. I expected there to be a learning period and a wait period for the business to take off. What I didn’t know is that it would take me another 7 years before I would become successful in a business. That 7 years till date remains the toughest time in my life . My business was going nowhere, neither was my relationships. Every attempt I made towards that ended very quickly.

At 35, 2016, I was very broke. Actually broke seems an understatement for my condition then. I struggled from month to month to feed. At this time my sister was no longer giving me an allowance. I depended on the little money I was making from my business then, about N30k. And sometime in that 2016 I even lost that N30k monthly earnings. I was having to ask one sibling or the other for money to feed. It was a tough time And there was no one, no friend and no lover I could depend on to even emotionally make this period of my life bearable for me. A few men came and went. I was always indoor and therefore didn’t have as many opportunities to meet new love interests. But the few that came were mostly up to no good. And I was determined to marry for the right reasons.

I can’t tell you how many nights I cried alone. I’m someone that puts on a happy face regardless of what I am going through. So most of the people close to me then didn’t even know I was struggling that much. I had too much pride. I couldn’t bring myself to just ask friends for money, the few I could call friends then.

Just remembering that period of my life now brings tears to my eyes . I’m a Christian. I was raised on good Christian values that I still practice and believe in. But this time in my life my faith was getting weakened. I questioned God many times. I asked him what I did wrong that my life has to be that difficult, why was I not progressing in any area of my life? I put in so much effort in my business, I was on my laptop every weekday from 7pm to 7am for some of those 7 years it took me to become successful in a trade. I literally had years of sleepless nights. And I was active at a time with trying to find someone to love and still nothing seemed to progress. Many people I grew up with, attended school with and even those I was a lot older than were all progressing; graduating, getting a job, getting married and having kids while my life just seemed to remain constant.

I had so much love in me to give. I wanted to share that with someone. I wanted someone to love me. I wanted to journey the rest of my life with someone. I didn’t want to be alone anymore, I had been alone for way too long, since 2006! I wanted to have kids. Oh how much I wanted kids then! As I added to my age every year, these feelings intensified; as expected.

On one hand there was the pressure from the society to get married and have kids. On the other hand there was the pressure from myself. It’s a different feeling if the society wanted for you what you didn’t want for yourself or didn’t yet want. But I was longing to get married and have kids at that stage in my life. I was desperate even. A few times I considered settling for less than I wanted. The loneliness was getting unbearable. And there was some shame there too especially because my neighbors then didn’t let me forget that I was ‘old’. Every opportunity they took to insult me. Every mature single woman in Nigeria is regarded as an ashewo (prostitute). That’s the name everyone calls them especially by their fellow women.

Pull Yourself together! You’re in Charge of Your Life

If not for my strong convictions about the life I wanted I likely would have settled for just anyone then. I was so sure of it, not just the kind of man I wanted to marry and the kind of marriage I wanted to have, I was very sure of the kind of lifestyle I wanted to live too. I wanted a life of financial freedom. I wanted a life of time freedom. Basically I wanted to be able to earn 6-7 figure monthly but still be able to have the time to do whatever I wanted any day I wanted with my family. I wanted to be able to be home to raise my future kids while still being a boss. I wanted to make a difference in the world with the gift/skill that I have. For example this blog and this page you’re reading exists because it’s my little way of sharing hope with the world. My way of supporting and encouraging women to be more in their lives and marriages.

Getting the ‘right’ man was non negotiable for me. I knew marriage wasn’t a end all be all. Even though I loved to get married, I also was hearing of and seeing many marriages that were breaking up or tormentous, husband cheating on wife, husband beating wife, husband killing wife, wife cheating on husband and wife killing husband. It was everywhere and it was scary. I wanted none of it.

I never wanted to endure marriage. I wanted to enjoy it. Also I knew that if I made a mistake in choosing a spouse, I wasn’t the only one who will suffer for it. My unborn kids would suffer too. Kids have no say in choosing their parents. So they count on one of the parents to make the right decision of who to make their other parent. Choose wrong and it will affect the kids for the rest of their lives. How do you think the children feel when their parents are always yelling at each other? Or they always watch the dad beating their mother. Or the marriage become so abusive and toxic that one of them had to make the decision to separate or get a divorce, one parent will take custody and the other parent who doesn’t have custody may never get to see the kids again until they are adults, or he or she settles for seeing them once awhile. Kids needs both of their parents in their lives. A father cannot play the role of a mother and vice versa. So all this I think about a lot and it gave me the strength to keep pushing through the loneliness and never relent on what I wanted.

I also realized that getting married and having kids was just some of the things I needed to feel fulfilled in life. There were other things I needed too like I just explained above and becoming financially independent was on top of that list. You can’t be so eager to have a family and not equally be eager to improve yourself and your finance so as to be able to support that family. Also working on your personal and financial growth makes you more attractive to suitors, especially in this present economy. No man wants a liability. In fact for some men, it is not enough for a woman to earn. The woman’s earnings needs to make sense. You need to earn well especially now that cost of living has skyrocketed, N50k (Naira) salary won’t do it anymore. Also we know a lot of men are not earning well themselves so they want a woman who can complement them financially so the family can live decently.

How to Cope When you’re Over 30 Single and Childless

Focus on what you can control. I can’t tell you how many times I told myself during the eve of a new year that this new year I will get married. But each time the year came and went and I didn’t sometimes even get a serious relationship. Trying to control what is uncontrollable just makes you more vulnerable to the feeling of defeat. You start to feel you’re a failure. And if care is not taken you can start to have low self esteem, feeling that you’re not beautiful or that something is wrong with you that’s why no one wants you. Or you meet someone that is obviously not good for you but you keep them in your life anyway because what if another doesn’t come.

What you don’t know is that someone out there wants you. One of the best of men wants you. You just haven’t had the opportunity to meet yet probably because you both still have some work to do on yourselves before you meet. Read the story of how I met my husband and got my fairy tale at almost 40 and you will understand better what I mean here.

To cope in this challenging period of your life focus on what you can control as I said before. And what is it that you can control?

You can control personal development. Learn more skills. Add more value to yourself. Make yourself an asset both in character and in finance. Increase your pay worth.

Do you have a character flaw that many people have pointed out to you that had often caused problems in your past relationships? If you do, that can become a problem in marriage too. So work on it. The character flaw that I had that I was honest to myself about before getting married was that I had zero tolerance in relationships. My patience was thin, which made me appear harsh sometimes. I knew I needed to work on that. Then I needed to grow a thriving business too, not just to make myself more attractive to suitors but for me to feel good about myself and be able to afford a decent life for myself. A successful mature single woman is often not as desperate for marriage regardless of her age as a broke mature single woman is. Having lived through it and experienced both sides, mature single and broke, and mature single and financial comfortable, I can tell you that the feeling is different. You may not even want to get married anymore when you’ve gotten to a certain level of financial success.

With money, you can afford to enjoy life while you wait for your Mr Right. In fact with money you can fulfill some of your dreams without having a man. I mean if you’re desperate to have children like I was between ages 38 and 39 you can look into adopting. I don’t know how adoption works in Nigeria and if they allow singles to adopt but you can look into it. Another option is IVF, though most Christian faith don’t support the concept of a single woman going through IVF to have kids, so it might not be an option for everyone; but yes a mature single woman can have kids through IVF using a donor sperm.

Do Not Worry, Your Time Will Come

Not everyone will find the man for them and get married, but most will. So you very likely will. Just be patient and take advantage of the time you have now to grow yourself. Believe me it is harder to achieve much after you get married. Your time wouldn’t be all yours anymore. You have to take care of the home and your man everyday. Then there’s getting pregnancy, giving birth, breast-feeding and raising children. It’s a lot and it’s hard to find time for other things when you’re married. It takes a lot of determination for married women who are also mothers to be able to have a career. For some, some areas of their lives suffers for it, like the children being mostly raised by a nanny and the husband not getting as much attention as is needed for a beautiful, loving long lasting marriage.

Something else that you may be worrying about is that your age makes you less attractive to suitors. Maybe they will want younger women instead. Well, news flash! We have more men now going for mature older women than those going for younger women. Times have changed. Most men no longer wants a child for a wife. They want a woman mature enough to be an helpmate in all areas of life. That include supporting the family to achieve greater things. Girls of less than 25 don’t often have the level of maturity and clarity a woman of 30 and above has. So don’t worry about that at all.

Finally just live your life. Love will find you eventually. When my husband and I became a thing it was at a time I was no longer expecting to get married. I was focused on living a great singular life. I was already planning to take one of the options available to me to have kids in my life. And I was even already thinking of working on a house project for myself. So I encourage you to do the same. Remove your mind as much as possible from this marriage thing, plan your life like you are not going to get married. If you’re still living in your parents house, move out! Living alone forces you to take responsibility for yourself and your life. And responsibilities forces you to get a job or start business. With technology now it’s become really easy to start and grow a thriving business. Another reason you need to move out is because you don’t want to give your parents and or siblings any opportunity to mock you because of your situation.

Then once you start making money, make some investments in your name, get a car and build a house if your earnings enables you to. You can always move out later and rent it out when you find a husband and he isn’t comfortable living in a house you built. Don’t limit yourself in the name of waiting for a husband. Better it is if you’re already established before marriage. That way you’re more relaxed as I am now to enjoy your marriage when it happens. I’m still actively doing my business of course, but I don’t deal with the pressure to earn that start ups face because I already grew a thriving business before marriage.

Even though I would have preferred to have had kids earlier than I will now be doing, I am really grateful that I didn’t get married earlier than I did. It afforded me a lot of opportunities to grow personally and in business. I needed that time to be ready for marriage; mentally, emotionally and financially. As for now having kids late, it is more about the experience for me of nourishing, raising and guiding them in the right way to go and watching them blossom into their own person; beautiful, smart, intelligent, resourceful and God fearing children than it is when it is I have them. Also now I know better how to raise decent kids who are useful to themselves and the society than I did when I was 30.

I was 2 months shy of 40 when I got married. And even at that age I got one of the most handsome, intelligent, smart, loving, playful, God-fearing and supportive men out there and he is two years older than me. And my wedding? Oh it was beautiful! This could be you too soon. Find the strength you need to cope in this waiting period from my story. If it could happen for me, it can happen for you too.

And she got married and lived happily ever after!

I can’t wait to hear your own story on your journey to finding Mr Right. How has it been? What about this wait period do you find most challenging? Where is your head at? You can leave a comment below or email me your story I’ll publish it on this site to encourage others too. Or if you need my advice on something related, do send it over. You can leave a comment and or send your story anonymously if that will make you feel more free to express yourself.

The post Over 30 Single And Childless Should I Be Worried? appeared first on The Good and Happy Wife Blog.

We’ve been dreaming about our wedding day since we were still children. A lot of us had planned out our weddings in our heads years before even meeting our grooms So the desire for perfection on that day is understandable. But try as you may, not everything will go as planned on your big day. No, I didn’t write this to add to your worries but rather to prepare you, and to let you know that it is okay if some things don’t go as planned.

By sharing my wedding planning mistakes I’m hoping it alerts you to certain areas of wedding planning that you need to pay more attention to. However there are some things that will happen that either because you forgot and your team also forgot to plan for it or just something that will happen that no one anticipated.

Wedding Planning – Are you forgetting something?

To avoid forgetting to plan for some things go through every step of your wedding plans in your head repeatedly, are you forgetting something? Forgetting to plan for any aspect of the day can take away from the experience you and your guests could have had.

When we planned our wedding, one of the items on the reception program was a serenade by my husband for his dear bride. You see, my dear husband his good with some musical instruments with the Guitar being his favorite. And he has ear for good music too. The way he’d prepared the songs he wanted to play for me, if everything had gone as planned, that would have been the highlight of the wedding reception. It would have been an unforgettable moment for me and the guests.

We had wanted to have a sit-down meeting with our planner a day to the event to go through everything about the day and make sure it had all been planned to run just as we wanted, but a day to our wedding we were dealing with a lot including booking hotels and settling people in that we never found the time to have that sit-down.

While we’re on this, let me quickly say this. If your fiance wants to change accommodation, probably move from a smaller apartment to a bigger apartment ahead of the wedding, make sure to get that out of the way 2 months or 6 weeks to the wedding. So the new place is all set up and you both have recovered from the stress of the move before the wedding day.

The way I had planned my wedding, I actually expected to be all done with planning two weeks to the wedding and just be relaxing until the wedding. But things didn’t go as planned. Hubby had rented a new apartment months before our wedding. The place for us to start our new life after the wedding. But a few things needed to be fixed in the apartment before he could move in. The Landlord said he would fix it but kept procrastinating until it was a month to our wedding and hubby had still not moved in. So last minute we decided to look for another apartment. And honestly that became the major reason for our stress a week to the wedding.

Hubby moved into the apartment I think just a week to the wedding. The move was so stressful. We could have just moved his things in and leave it at that to worry about setting things up after the wedding. But because we were going to be hosting a lot of relatives in his place coming from afar, we were running up and down to make sure the place was fixed up enough to receive guests. I actually had a moment when I was afraid that my husband would collapse just from the stress. He had to do a lot of running around for the house. Then add the wedding planning to it, it was hard on us those last weeks to the wedding. I actually thought I was going to come out on my big day looking horrible from the stress, but thank God that wasn’t the case!

Back to the matter of forgetting to plan for some things. The morning of the wedding was hectic for my husband. I say my husband because all I did the morning of my wedding was wake up and take a bath and sit down for the hair and makeup crew to work on me. While my husband and planner were doing the running around. With everything else to worry about, hubby forgot to confirm that the DJ had the right cord to plug his guitar to the speakers to amplify the sound from the guitar when he would serenade me. He said he assumed he would have it since DJs usually have it. But ours didn’t. And we found that out when it was too late. And he had to make do without it which took away from the moment. Imagine playing a music from your phone to a large gathering without connecting it to a speaker. Most people in the audience wouldn’t be able to appreciate the song. That was the case when my husband serenaded me. He still doesn’t like to think about it or watch the video of him serenading me because he knew it was supposed to be a lot better. But I enjoyed the moment and I really commend him for going ahead to play regardless. But also I feel bad that it wasn’t everything we both wanted it to be.

When things go wrong due to unforeseen occurrences

What’s an unforeseen occurrence? Something that happens that wasn’t anticipated or couldn’t have been predicted. It’s like when someone goes out in the morning not expecting to have an accident on their way but they do. Accidents happen and we don’t usually see them coming.

Look at the cakes below. The big cake is the wedding cake I ordered and was delivered and set up at the reception venue. But I never saw that cake. What I saw when it was time to cut the cake is the smaller cake. What happened?

What I ordered and was delivered

What I saw when it was time to cut the cake

Before I walked into the wedding hall (we used same hall for the wedding and reception), my maid of honor had come to whisper in my ear that something bad had happened. She said “I don’t want you to panic, but something happened”. She repeated, “I don’t want you to panic, but something happened”. I got agitated and was like tell me already what happened! It was then she said the cake fell after the baker had set it up and left. She said they had managed to arrange what was left in a way that is manageable to use. To be honest at this point a cake falling down was the least of my worries because at this time we were really late for the wedding. Like about two hours past scheduled time. That was what was on my mind. Some of our guests must have been waiting for awhile! I just wanted the day to start already and be over with. So I said to her “is that all?” She said yes. I said no problem. And that was the cake we used. Other than not having the beautiful cake I ordered in my wedding pictures it wasn’t a problem.

Everything Won’t go as planned on your Wedding day but that’s okay!

Whether it is due to your own mistakes and or the planner’s mistakes during planning, or you both forgot to plan for it, disappointment from a vendor and a Landlord like it was in our case, or an accident, there is the chance that something will not go as planned on your wedding day. I want you to prepare yourself for that and say to yourself it’s okay. Just do your best with planning and pray nothing goes wrong. And don’t worry so much about perfection. What really has to be perfect has nothing to do with the wedding. It has everything to do with the man you have chosen to spend the rest of your life with. Is he perfect for you? If he is not, then making your wedding perfect is like deceiving yourself. You may succeed to impressing others but you know your reality. The wedding only lasts for a few hours and everyone you’ve worked hard to impress will return to their homes and leave you to either enjoy or endure your marriage.

Even with everything that went wrong with our wedding, and the fact that we had to skip some items on the reception program due to starting so late that could have really added to the fun of the reception, it still would pass for one of the most beautiful weddings there’s been. The groom and I looked our best. And our love shined through. It may seem like most Nigerians attend weddings for the food, but really they care more to celebrate you and your love than anything else. The atmosphere on my day was filled with love. When I lip-synced to a song that perfectly expressed my emotions for my husband and when we danced to the songs we picked, everyone felt our love.

So what really matters on your wedding day is that your groom be present and you be present and take your vows with full conviction that this is the person you should be with and know they feel the same way. The other things are by the side. People eventually forget and move on no matter how badly planned a wedding seemed. So relax, breathe! Everything will be okay.

The post My Nigerian Wedding Planning Advice – Everything Won’t Go As Planned But That’s Okay appeared first on The Good and Happy Wife Blog.

My wedding was a beautiful one. My husband and I put in a lot of time into thinking about and planning for every aspect of the wedding. But if I could do it all over again I definitely will do a few things differently. Since I can’t, I’m hoping this article will help you avoid the mistakes I made and as well give you tips on how to successfully plan your dream Nigerian wedding.

Planning my Nigerian Wedding

My Nigerian wedding planning for me was exciting but very stressful, as I am sure it usually is for every bride.

On one hand you are happy that you’ve finally found the One for you and he’s soon to become your husband. This was especially true for me because it was a long wait. A wait I had already gotten tired of and given up on, now all of a sudden it was happening! Outwardly I was calm. But inwardly I couldn’t wait to start my Life with the man of my dreams. The date couldn’t come quickly enough. I remember I was so anxious, wanting the day to come already that I downloaded a countdown app on both of my phones which I checked almost everyday as if checking frequently will quicken time. I courted my husband for 8 months (we had been best friends for 7 years) and those 8 months felt like forever!

On the other hand, just thinking of all that needs to be done overwhelms you. Where do you start from? This was even worse for me because I had zero experience with wedding planning. As at then I don’t think I have attended more than 5 weddings in my whole life. Before me, I have had two of my sisters get married, but I wasn’t involved at all in the planning except ran errands and be present on the day of the wedding. In fact my family as a whole don’t have much experience with wedding planning as some Nigerian families do from participating in and attending a lot of weddings. So I had no one to turn to. Even my best friend didn’t have any experience, her own wedding was centuries ago. My parents are aged already and my mom couldn’t help anyone in her state of health. So I was completely alone in planning my wedding. Although my husband then fiance was eager to help and did help a lot, but what he could do was limited.

My First Wedding Planning Challenge – Creating a Budget

Every article you read on wedding planning will tell you that one of the first important things you must do when planning a wedding is to create a budget. You have to decide on how much you can afford to spend for the whole wedding before you start to spend money so you don’t run out of money during planning or you don’t spend more than you want to spend.

Creating a budget was a struggle for me and honestly I planned my wedding without having one. To create a budget ahead of planning your wedding, you have to know how much things cost in the market. I couldn’t just blindly allocate cost to wedding gown, our traditional wedding attires, food etc, without knowing what options were there and what those options cost. So that’s where my challenge came from. So when I spoke with a caterer for example and they ask what my budget was for food I couldn’t give a figure. I needed to speak to a number of caterers to know what the rate was from high to low based on the menu I wanted and then decide how much we were willing to spend on that. So that idea of just writing things down and then allocating price to them based on the money you have without any prior information, doesn’t work well.

But know that I could only do without a budget because we are to some extent established. I mean we had more than enough to spend based on the kind of wedding we hoped to have. We weren’t interested in having a flaboyant wedding. We just wanted a beautiful wedding that was affordable. I always said to my vendors, I wanted the best but it has to be affordable. Nothing extreme. So this way even though we didn’t create a budget, we did our best to keep cost as low as it could be for the kind of service we wanted. The secret to getting the best price is to speak with multiple vendors for the same service and compare prices. Then go for the one offering the lowest price for a ‘quality’ service.

To create a practical budget when you don’t have an open budget like we did, before drawing up your list and allocating price to each item on the list, speak to different vendors, get an idea of cost for the various items and then draw up your budget, this is before hiring vendors.

Wedding Planning Mistakes to Avoid

Think twice before hiring a Wedding planner

I hired a wedding planner for my wedding when I felt clueless about where to start and I wanted to take the stress off me. Well, guess what? I still ended up planning my wedding myself even after hiring a planner . In her defense it wasn’t her fault. We always wanted to negotiate things ourselves. So instead of us to leave the negotiations and bookings to the planner, we felt more comfortable doing it ourselves because the prices she was always coming to us with for different items we always considered too expensive. So if you think you can’t let go of control to someone else, and can’t trust the prices they give you, then don’t bother with a planner. Although ours eventually was helpful because we hired her both as a planner and a Day of Coordinator. And she helped a lot on the day of the wedding with coordinatiing, which made up for that expense. So you may not need a planner but you definitely need a day of coordinator if you don’t have close friends and siblings who can take charge of organization and following up with vendors on the day of the wedding.

Pick any day for your wedding date except June 12 (Democracy day)

June 12 in Nigeria is a public holiday tagged Democracy day. After my husband decided June was the month for our wedding, I picked that 12th because it fell into my fertile period, and my husband went along with it. You know, I was hoping to hurry things up with conception due to getting married late. I wanted the first few intimate acts after the wedding to lead to a baby. So I opened up my Cycle tracking app and did the math. God I wish I didn’t!

Usually democracy day in Nigeria is peaceful. No protest and no riot. And being a work free day, less traffic; which would have worked to our advantage as guests wouldn’t have to spend hours on the road coming to the venue. But what we didn’t see coming was that because of the EndSars protest where allegedly some people were shot and killed, some Nigerians were going to take advantage of the day to do another protest. People tried to warn us but we didn’t think it would be a problem. When we realized it was going to be a problem it was too late to move the date. All vendors were booked. It was scary, the speculations and the panic created was like nothing I had seen before. People were afraid of what the day would bring. Twice my husband suggested we moved the date a day to the wedding. But we would have had too many vendors to call and I’m sure not all would have been able to reschedule. So we decided to book hotels close to the wedding venue for people who had part in the wedding to come lodge June 11. And close friends and family members came over a day to too to stay with us as we both lived closed to the wedding venue. We decided that if the protest happens June 12 as it was being speculated and other guests couldn’t attend the wedding, the people we had on ground were enough to have the wedding, after all what I wanted initially was an intimate wedding, so we didn’t reschedule.

The day came and everything went on smoothly even though it did cause some delay here and there. The government did its best to put security personnel in different places in Lagos to scare people from starting a riot which was the real fear. Very few areas of the country reported rioting. Although many chose to play safe by remaining indoor, we still had decent attendance. I believe we had up to a 100 people present that celebrated our wedding with us (we had planned for 200).

If I could do it all over again I would never pick June 12. It almost ruined the day for me. It caused too much stress on us. And caused us to spend more money for hotel bookings, if we didn’t have an open budget that would have been a big problem for us. And all that could have been avoided if we had just picked the week before or the week after that week.

Think twice before hiring a Caterer especially one that’s your friend

After picking the wrong date, the next big mistake I made in my wedding planning was the people I chose to do the catering and serving of food. It was a big error.

One of my priorities when I was planning my wedding was to make enough food available. If you know anything about Nigerian weddings you will know that food going round everyone is what makes your wedding special in most peoples minds. Moreover why have guests you can’t feed?

I didn’t only want food to go round, I also wanted to give my guests food options at my wedding. We spent above what we ever expected to spend on food. But still, it was a mess.

A friend had convinced me to hire her team for the job. My groom didn’t like the idea at all. But I thought that being my friend she would look out for my best interest. We had had a meeting where we discussed the food items and serving plan. I thought from everything they said they knew how to do things right. But the report I got after the wedding was terrible. They claimed they killed a Cow for the meat served at the wedding, yet food didn’t go round, and some of those they served only got small piece of meat in their foods. We had planned food for two hundred people and ended up with just like a hundred guests, still food didn’t go round. My eldest sister who represented my mom and cousin didn’t eat on my wedding day! They had zero coordination serving the food. And because no one from me or my groom supervised them where they made the food we couldn’t even confirm that they really bought a cow and if they did, what they did with it. We couldn’t also confirm that they even brought all the food options we planned and paid for, and in the numbers we discussed.

I was so sad about the general poor service. So much regret. This mistake is a big eye opener for me. If you must hire a caterer on no ground leave them unsupervised. Any vendor who has a problem with supervision should be crossed off the list! Preferably let them cook the food at a location of your chosen. But if your location isn’t convenient and they want to use their location, insist on someone from your side and your husband’s side supervise them. So you can get the worth of what you paid for. I felt my trust was abused and I was played. And my relationship with that friend is damaged as a result. Now I want nothing to do with her. The annoying part is that they claimed they went above and beyond for me. Really? You did and N550,000 (Naira) could not successfully feed a 100 guests? It’s upsetting talking about it. And evidently stealing meat meant for guests is a common practice among Nigerian caterers. Coincidentally today (as at writing this) I saw a story on Instablog of caterers who stole meat meant for a party and they were caught. It’s a shame.

If you’re planning a wedding, you must be worried now about your own wedding after reading some of my mistakes, so here’s what I am going to tell you about that, not everything will go as planned on your wedding day and that’s okay. Continue reading from Part 2, My Nigerian Wedding Planning Advice, Everything won’t go as Planned.

The post My Nigerian Wedding Planning Advice & Mistakes To Avoid appeared first on The Good and Happy Wife Blog.

Going into Marriage with Realistic Expectations Prepares You to Manage Situations as they come up

I had an advantage when I went into marriage. The advantage is that my husband and I have had a great friendship that lasted years before we started our courtship, so being friends we already established a good rapport. So even though we knew we still had some challenges when it came to sorting out issues, we knew we would always be open to communication and therefore we’d be able to talk things out as they come up, until we perfect our conflict resolution skills.

I believe it is normal in the first year of marriage to have a lot of disagreements and arguments as you both adjust to your new life, especially when you both have lived independently for a long time. Now coming together as one, having someone in your space all the time because it’s no longer only yours anymore, and being responsible for them and the home especially for the woman can be a lot to adjust to. So during that process of adjusting, issues normally will come up often. And we both knew this and went into our marriage with realistic expectations.

We didn’t go in thinking it will always be rosy. We knew our personalities can and does easily clash sometimes. Going in with realistic expectations has helped us adjust quickly in our marriage. When there was a misunderstanding and then an argument we were quick to remember that we knew this was going to happen so how do we fix it. And we are often quick to get into fixing mood without letting things linger unnecessarily. And I’ve learnt a few things so far that has made arguments a rare thing in our home.

Marriage is a place where learning never ends. The more years you stay in a marriage the more you learn and get to know your partner better. As at writing this article I am four months and three weeks old in my marriage. And compared to when I just got married, I have learnt some things about marriage that even though I knew some of them before getting married, I didn’t fully understand until seeing it play out in real life. These things I have learnt in this short time has helped us a lot and our relationship, and how we deal with each other gets better everyday.

The first few months may be your hardest

If you were, or have been an independent woman for some years and now you’re soon to get be married, be prepared! Your first few months of marriage may just be your toughest time in the relationship.

Before marriage I lived a very singular life for many years, over a decade. I did whatever I wanted to do when I wanted to do it. I cooked when I wanted. I went out or slept in when I wanted. I could choose to watch movies all day and never cook that day and just eat junk foods. I lived a lazy life really. I’m fortunate to have a business that doesn’t require me to go out often and I didn’t have anyone to consider their feelings about when I did what.

Also for a long time I thought I couldn’t live with someone because I loved my space so much. I rarely even accepted visitation from best friend and colleagues. I usually just wanted to be left alone. Now getting married that lifestyle was forced to change. I wake up in the morning and first thing I do is think about what the husband would eat. When we got married my husband had a few weeks leave from work and I gave myself a month off any business to just relax and recover from the stress of the wedding planning, so we were indoor everyday for the first month, and I had to make something available for us to eat at least twice a day.

I couldn’t feel like I didn’t want to be bothered anymore. I had to be bothered whether I wanted to at that moment or not. And it wasn’t that hubby was making me do anything, but not wanting to feel like the wife that doesn’t take care of her husband, you force yourself up to do things sometimes when you are not feeling up to it. Although I happen to have a very understanding husband, if I say I wasn’t feeling up to cooking he tells me don’t bother let’s go eat out; or if it’s one of the times he’s in the mood he will make us breakfast. But that’s another thing, I always want to do things myself because I like to have things my way. So even when help is being offered by hubby sometimes, I’ll still rather do it myself. The only time I excitedly let hubby cook is when I know he’s going to make Noodles. He does that better than I can or care to do.

So like I said before it’s a lot of adjustment hitting you at once. You could find yourself getting easily irritated over something hubby said or did when the truth is you’re just overwhelmed. A part of you can even start to ask yourself why you got married. Marriage is the most beautiful and fulfilling thing that I have done in my life and I have a very enviable relationship with my husband. But to deny that it doesn’t come with some stress especially from cooking and cleaning and doing the dishes ALL the time is not telling the full story. I actually have a new found respect for married women with children. If taking care of the husband and the home can feel overwhelming sometimes, just imagine when the babies come. May God help us.

After almost five months in marriage, I’m settled into the lifestyle now and it no longer feels like a big deal, but it took a few months to get here, which is why I say the first few months may be your hardest because the differences in your character is more pronounced when you start living together as husband and wife. Plus the lifestyle change for the independent woman. This can make some women start to feel very frustrated and start throwing the D word (Divorce) carelessly around. They don’t usually mean it, just that Change isn’t easy for some people.

The way out is communication! Communicate in love. Ask for help from your partner if you feel you need it. I thank God everyday for the husband he gave me. He’s very strong willed just like me but he also can be patient. When we just got married and there was a little misunderstanding, I was quick to say I should never have gotten married. Deep down I was never serious when I said it because I knew how blessed I felt, but when I was angry or irritated I usually just rant on. But hubby was patient and would calmly talk to me, and when he did I could feel his love for me from his words. And God! I love that man too, so much.

On my part, after all the ranting I evaluate myself privately. I try to be honest with myself and get to the root of why I was so angry. And when I realized there was a good ground for my anger I tried to express it in a better way, better tone.

Also I asked for help from hubby. I told him how overwhelmed I was feeling. I am not someone that enjoys cooking and washing plates, things I now have to do everyday. Hubby doesn’t like cooking and doing dishes either. But I do what I have to do. And hubby helps every now and then with some of the other chores in the house, sometimes even cooks and does the dishes, although rarely . He’s even suggested we get a Help to help me out, but I thought we could manage by ourselves for awhile since it’s just the two of us for now. As helpful as Helps can be, at the end of the day they are a third party in a home. A stranger. And I don’t trust easily. So while I know I would have to give in to hiring one at some point, I’m in no rush to do so.

I’ve learned to manage my responsibilities as a wife. Hubby has his and I have mine. We just each need to play our part and make sure to let the other person know that we appreciate their efforts, and in the case of the woman the husband can assist when he can, even though all he does is stay in the kitchen with the wife for awhile as she cooks and distract her from the stress of what she’s doing by sharing stories about his day or flirting with her. That goes a long way to help the mindset of the woman and how she sees herself in the marriage. There’s no time I serve food and we finish eating that my husband doesn’t say Thank You to me. Those two words as simple as they are has a lot of effect on me, how I see myself in his life. I remember the first few weeks in marriage, there were thoughts running through my head, like this marriage thing is just a place where a woman just serves the man while he relaxes. I mean a husband and wife will both go out and have a stressful day but when they return home one gets to go relax while the other slaves away in the kitchen. I even asked myself, is this my life now, a life of serving someone?

But that was the wrong mindset. And a partner’s attitude towards the efforts the wife puts into the home will determine if the wife sees herself as a slave serving a master and starts to resent him for it or if she accepts her role as a helpmate and sees herself as a partner who is playing her part towards a common goal, to make a happy home.

Also compromise is another thing that a couple must give in every now and then. You can’t be too rigid. When there’s a disagreement about something the other person wants, you must meet each other half way. My husband and I do that when need be to accommodate the other person’s needs and or desires so everyone is happy.

You have to recommit to your partner everyday

I am someone that usually wants to pull myself from a situation the moment it starts to feel difficult. I can quickly forget all the good times and the promises I made in those good times and just say fvck it. So few weeks into our marriage I had moments when I questioned my decision to get married and said to my husband I don’t think I can do this. He looked at me in shock like are you kidding me? We just got married! He felt disappointed and heartbroken in those moments. I would get sad seeing him that way. I did a lot of self talk in those first few weeks. I quickly learned that you don’t say I DO to him and marriage once and that’s it. You continuously have to say I DO to this person everyday of your life. When I did my self talk I would ask myself, do you think you made a mistake choosing him? The answer would be NO there’s no one else I would rather be with, that I have always been one hundred percent sure of.

The next question would be, is the situation really that bad that you’re feeling this way or is this just your ego/pride acting up? Then in that moment I choose him over again and I recommit to doing better to create a peaceful and happy home. You have to choose your spouse and choose to be married every very often for you to remain focused on sustaining a happy home. I’m glad to say that the days of questioning my decision to get married is in the past now. I have been known to resist Change. Generally I don’t do well with change at all. So I believe part of our issues at the beginning of our marriage was me resisting change, I panicked.

No winner no loser in arguments

I dare to say the main reason arguments get drown out in marriage is because one or both partners are trying to win the argument. One or both don’t want to back down. For men it’s usually because of their egos. But some women like me struggle with ego too, but sometimes it’s just pettiness on our part. I’ve realized that shouldn’t be.

We are not in a competition against each other and shouldn’t act like we are. We are partners. We are a team. A team who wins together and loses together. My husband would say that he’s the person that loves me the most in the whole world and the person that wants the best for me the most, so he can’t possibly have bad intentions when he says or does something. And I’m sure some husbands feel the same way. And if you look at it from that point of view, you wouldn’t reason badly phrased comments too deep. Sometimes people have the best intentions but their delivery may be poor.

We also want to remember that not all men understand how to approach certain things or phrase their words sometimes in a way that it is welcoming to the woman. I’ve accused my husband of that a few times, and he’s learning

If there’s happiness in the home we both are happy. If there’s sadness we both suffer. It pays no one to let a grudge fester.

Learn to laugh over some things

These days I’m very chilled in my marriage. There’s hardly anything to make a fuss about. It’s been a lot of laughter and zero arguments for awhile. Not that we used to have a lot. Combine all the major arguments we have had since getting married I doubt it’s been more than five.

Now when I feel there is something to fuss about, I just ignore. It’s usually not that deep anyway some of the things we women make issue of. I have learned that I have to control the desire to debate everything. The desire to be seen as right when it really doesn’t matter. If you want to have a peaceful happy home you need to pick your battles because arguments sucks out the joy in the home. Don’t start one except the issue is important to you. Did he not flush the toilet properly? flush it. Did he not put his dirty clothes where they should be? Pick them up and put them where they should be, it takes less energy to do that than it takes to quarrel about it. Of course if it bothers you, you should tell him calmly later to put more efforts into doing things properly. But that moment you notice it, it may not be the best time to talk about it since you could speak from a place of anger or irritation.

So that’s it! I’ll continue to submit myself to more learning and improving as a wife and as a person in general. I’m happy to be married, life is a lot better with a companion. I’m especially happy to be married to the man I am married to. I’ll say I DO to him every day of my life. Our relationship has been more beautiful than anything I ever dreamed of about marriage. And we’re only just starting!

Are you recently married? What would you say you have learned so far? Was adjusting difficult for you? Have you been married for some years? Please share some wisdom with us! How was it like for you especially at the beginning of the marriage? What challenges did you face and how did you deal with them? I can’t wait to read from you! If you’re yet to be married let us know what your biggest take away is from this article.

The post What 4 Months In Marriage Has Taught Me – Newlywed Marriage Advice appeared first on The Good and Happy Wife Blog.

Although I had very good example early in life of a happy marriage. We celebrated our parents 50th wedding anniversary in 2017. As at writing this they’ve been happily married for 54 years. Watching their relationship for the many years I was at home helped shaped my thinking about the kind of wife I wanted to be. Some things about my mom as a wife I’ll like to exemplify. She was hard-working, financially independent and supportive, it was a real partnership what they had, and still have; sadly mom’s health has deteriorated but my dad is by her side everyday.

My mom didn’t have to wait for my Dad to give her money for food before she will buy food items for the house. There was nothing like this is yours and this is mine. They did everything together regardless of who brought what. That I really love.

Like I said in how to be a good wife, I think a couple should be one unit at home, as long as there’s no selfishness from any of them. But as great as I think my mom was as a wife, I don’t try to be like her exactly. I’m a different person with different ideas, plus now is a different time; some things are a bit different now because we know better. My front row seat to my parents relationship, my own past relationship experiences and that from my environment have as expected influenced the kind of wife I want to be, to some extent, what I will be and what I won’t. But largely what has influenced me is my own self, discovering myself, knowing who I am and what kind of life I want, what kind of home I want to have, especially as a practicing Christian who wants to set an example of a happy home.

What preparation required before marriage depends on what kind of marriage you want to have and what you think you need to put in place to have such marriage. For me I prepared myself to be a wife in four ways.

4 Ways I Prepared Myself to be a Wife

1. I worked hard to become financially independent.

I have never been a woman who was okay with asking a man for money for what I needed, any man, even my brother. Also I intended to be a supportive wife financially, I wouldn’t be the wife who waits on her husband to buy any and everything. So thank God I could achieve that before getting married. It was very important to me for my own self respect and for the overall good of the family.

2. I worked on my Ego and tolerance level

Ego is one of the biggest challenge to a successful relationship, especially worse for a woman to have since you have to let the man lead. So I knew I had to work on it. But it’s not that easy.

Before I got engaged and got married, I’d been independent, living on my own and paying my own bills for about 15 years. Add that to the fact that I’ve always been opinionated and stubborn. I sometimes become my own worse enemy in a relationship. When upset I’m quick to become arrogant when talking, disrespectful. I’m quick to walk out on a conversation and want to end things, my tolerance level was very low. I’m quick to say I don’t need this in my life and walk away. This behavior can’t be good for any relationship especially not one you want to last happily forever.

In fact this attitude almost ended our courtship barely a week into it. Something had to be done. So I started working on my tolerance level, how can I agree to be a wife and live together forever with another person if I don’t have patience? It won’t work. I started to control myself, I don’t rush to talk when I am angry. I take some time to calm down, think things through, be honest with myself about my fault if any, in what happened; I make clear to myself of why I am really angry and I approach my partner and try to express myself clearly as politely as possible. And that helped.

I wish I can say that I don’t have this problem anymore, but I’m married now and still do. But because I know of the problem and I consistently make efforts to control it, I now have a better handle on it. Still a work in progress, but it made a great difference that I started working on this before marriage. You may have same challenge and need to work on it. Or yours may be something else. You have to be honest with yourself, are there behavioral problems you have that can become a problem in a marriage? You can start preparing yourself now to be a good wife.

3. I worked on mastering using We instead of I, and Ours instead of Mine.

I made conscious effort to start using We instead of I and Ours instead of Mine when we started courtship. It was important to the kind of relationship I wanted our marriage to be. My husband, then fiance felt the same way. Even his car, when I refer to it as his car he corrects me and asks me to refer to things as Ours or just say the car. It’s all about building a one unit relationship. What belongs to him belongs to me and verse visa. Having that understanding before marriage was helpful. It was part of creating a solid foundation for our marriage. If we’re taking a vow to become One then we wanted to be one for real. And today that’s how we operate in our home.

4. I accepted the Role of a Wife

Like I’ve said I was independent and living alone for about 15 years before getting married. In those years I never had to cook if I didn’t want to. I didn’t have to arrange or sweep the house if I didn’t feel up to it. No one was going to be upset over it or ask me why the house looked that way or what was for dinner. And there was a part of me that loved living alone, my privacy and peace was everything to me.

My husband and I courted for about 8 months before getting married. During that period I made peace with the idea of becoming a wife. I accepted the Role. I told myself yes I would be losing some things I am used to, but I will be gaining a lot more.

As at writing this I’ve been married for over 3 months, and I can tell you that thinking of what to cook, cooking and washing the dishes are the most stressful part of being a wife. Even though I do prefer to cook my own food than eat out, I can’t say I love cooking. And even less washing dishes. But it’s largely the wife’s role that I prepared myself for and accepted before getting married.

Now even though it’s stressful to cook, I love cooking for and eating with my husband. Watching him enjoy something I cook every time gives me joy . And I know he does a lot for the home too, even some chores. Marriage is a partnership, everyone plays their part and contributes to the smooth running, happiness and peace of the home. So are you preparing yourself to become a wife? It’s exciting to plan a wedding and show off your husband to all your friends but when it’s all over and everyone leaves and it’s just the two of you, will you be able to play the role you’ve gotten yourself into? Will your husband continue to have reasons to be happy he chose you? I know it’s not just on you to make a happy home but we’re focused here on you playing your part to make your home a happy one. And I believe you can do it.

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