She also added that getting married brings on a certain kind of loneliness that nobody tells you about because now you can no longer visit family and friends as you’d want to, and some friends especially single ones immediately distant themselves from you when you get married.

I read that and I couldn’t relate in anyway especially the part about loneliness in marriage. How? What sort of person did you marry and what sort of relationship do you have that you can’t visit your family and friends at will? Yes, when you get married your focus becomes the new family you’ve started, but it doesn’t and shouldn’t affect any other relationship you wish to keep in your life. That post made me wonder if some people really know what Oneness in marriage should be like, what the bible meant in Mark 10:8 when it says:

And the two will be one flesh, so that they are no longer two, but one flesh.

And no, you don’t have to be a Christian to understand and accept these words. As long as you believe in the concept of two becoming One in marriage then these words applies to your relationship regardless of your religious or non religious doctrine.

The poster of that article had good intentions no doubt. But like I commented on that post, we should be encouraging newlyweds to grow the love and Bond between them by communicating regularly with each other, encouraging them to come to her instead and even saying that there are some things they can’t share with their spouse, does more harm than good.

There Should Never Be Anything You Can’t Share With Your Spouse

When you start to believe that there are some things you can’t share with your spouse either because you are shy to or because you think he won’t understand, you gradually and unknowingly start to create a divide in your marriage/home.

Marriage shouldn’t be a Me and He thing. It should be an Us thing all the time. There should be no division. If you’re shy with your spouse, well start to work on that. I’m sure before getting married you knew that to make a marriage work will require some adjustments from the both of you. Well, this could be one of the areas you need to adjust in order for you to enjoy your marriage. If there’s anyone you can and should be freely open with it’s your spouse. Tell him anything and everything, there should be nothing you consider personal except if you feel it’s inconsequential. When you do that it brings you both closer and grows your love and Bond.

Did you marry a virgin and don’t know how to please your husband in bed? Does this make you feel less adequate? Are you both clueless in bed?

What are your fears about opening up to your husband? Are you afraid he wouldn’t see you the same anymore? Are you worried that if you let yourself loose sexually with him he will think you are morally spoilt or an ashewo (prostitute) as Nigerians put it?

These are valid concerns for a newlywed. And even for some old timers in marriage. So how do you handle this in Oneness? It starts with communication. Is he the type that is selfish in bed, he just comes to you, opens your legs does his thing and he’s out? He doesn’t care if you enjoyed yourself too, and that has now made sex feel like a task to you?

Talk to him. Otherwise you’re going to be dealing with this sexual frustration for the rest of your life. Forever is a really long time to be sexually starved and frustrated. So sit him down and in the most loving way bring up the subject. The secret to starting a conversation that reaches the heart of the receiver is to start on a positive note. Here’s an example which you can fine-tune to suit your reality.

“Honey, you know how much I love you. I said yes to forever with you because there’s no one else I’d rather be with. You’re loving, caring and a good provider. It is because I know you care for me and would want me to be happy in this marriage, and because I want us to enjoy our Union in every way possible that I decided to discuss something with you tonight.
When we have sex I do not enjoy it. And that makes me shy away from it and don’t want to do it as often as you want. It’s becoming something I do out of obligation and that’s not what I want. I want to enjoy it. I want to look forward to it with you. I want to want it as much as you want it. I feel that if you make more effort to get me stimulated, like put sometime into kissing me, touching me sexually my body will be ready to receive you when you do come inside me. And the pain I feel during the act won’t be there anymore and I can enjoy it too. We can also learn some new things together and generally improve on our sex life”

If it’s not that he’s selfish but it’s that you both are clueless about how to have good sex then use Google. Read up. Research on these things together. There’s nothing you want to learn about that the Internet cannot help you with. The person you want to talk to outside your home about these concerns can’t do anything for you except maybe give you some generic tips which you then have to go practice alone with your husband who wouldn’t have an idea what you’re doing because he wasn’t part of the conversation. But when you both are reading about it together, then he’s carried along. And therefore you can practice together.

Nobody was born sexually good in bed. It comes with experience. The more you read and explore the better you get at it. Not everything you read about and do will work for you and or him. But if you don’t try different things you won’t know what works best for you. Learning something like that together can be fun too. You get to laugh with each other and at each other .

And remember you are married to this man! Legally and in the eyes of God. You can’t be worried about being seen as an ashewo when you are married. The only place you can and should be completely free to embrace your sexuality is in marriage.

Sex is a big part of what makes for a happy marriage. Therefore it is essential that a man and his wife be on the same page and demonstrate that Oneness as it relates to it. A couple cannot really be happy if one or both of them feel their needs are not being meant sexually.

Communication does wonders for a relationship. Your partner isn’t a mind reader. So if you don’t express yourself and encourage them to feel free to do the same with you, that marriage isn’t going to be an enjoyable one. Even when it is something you expect him to know about, still talk to him about it anyway. And even when it may be hard to communicate with certain types of persons you still need to do it.

I look at the bond between my husband and I today, how tight it is and how beautiful it is and I know it is all thanks to effective communication. We are both very open with each other. Nothing is off limit. I know he’s my biggest cheerleader. He knows I’m his. I know he loves me more than anyone else has ever loved me and he will always want the best for me. He feels the same way about me. So why should we hide from each other.

If you feel Lonely sometimes in your Marriage it may be Sign of a Deeper Issue

I know what feeling lonely is. I felt that way a lot of the time when I was single. The major reason for getting married for me is companionship, as it should be for everyone who gets married. Getting married isn’t to have kids or to have someone to share our chores and bills, it is to have a company always. Someone to share the good and bad times with. Someone to be with us in sickness and in health. Every other thing that comes with marriage after companionship is a bonus. So to still feel lonely while in a marriage isn’t normal, except in certain special circumstances.

If you are currently experiencing loneliness while married, this isn’t to invalidate your feelings. I just want to help you figure things out.

The first step to solving any problem is to get to the WHY of it. If you feel lonely sometimes, why? There are some valid reasons that could make a woman feel lonely while married, they include having a husband that leaves in another state or country, or that works long hours such as On call doctors, and if you’re a house wife while your husband is out for work or business most hours of the day.

If a woman is married to a man that works and comes home late but she doesn’t work, she can find herself home a lot and feeling lonely. In such circumstance it is understandable that there will be times a wife will feel lonely. But when a woman feels lonely because she can’t call/visit her family and friends like she used to, then there’s a problem. I mean why can’t you call or visit them, what’s the problem?

Is your husband not letting you do so? If so why? Are your friends lifestyles questionable and he doesn’t want you associated with that? That may be for your own good.

Is he possessive and just doesn’t want anyone around you including family? If the later is the case then that’s a controlling behavior and you should find a way to manage that now before it gets out of hand. Marriage isn’t a prison. That a man paid your bride price doesn’t mean he bought you or owns you. You shouldn’t feel restricted in anyway. You should be able to invite your relatives and friends over to spend sometime with you when you or them wants to, of course after discussing it with your husband.

In marriage his people becomes your people and vice versa. I try to care about everyone my husband cares about and he does the same. We are 6 months in marriage as at writing this. And so far my best friend has come over to visit and she even spent the night. Also my immediate elder sister has visited too and spent the night. In both cases my husband made sure they had a good time. He was a better host than I was. His cousin who is like a sibling to him also recently come with his family to visit us and they spent a night.

He calls my parents and siblings more than I call them. He calls my best friend sometimes too to see how she’s doing. He helps one of my nieces sort through some of the challenges she’s having. He’s made my people his people. And even though I am not as consistent as he is with checking on everyone, I do same for him too especially with his immediate family.

So there’s no reason why marriage should make your relationship with close friends and family members change. If your husband isn’t letting you reach out to them ask yourself is there a valid reason for it? I can’t see any reason that will make a husband prevent a wife from calling her people and inviting them to visit but who knows, it’s possible there’s a valid reason.

Personally I was never really into making friends, socializing and partying when I was single. That was never me. I only had one close friend who I considered my best friend. But if that was you, I can understand how marriage must have changed most of that for you. And depending on how much you enjoyed that lifestyle you could miss it now that you’re married.

Marriage puts you in a different phase of life with different priorities. That’s not a bad thing. After all change is the only constant thing there is in life and it’s one of the best ways to grow as an individual. So accept the change and find ways to fill up your time. I don’t miss anything from my single life because I had my full of single life. I was single for way too long and got really tired of that phase of life and wanted change. And I am enjoying this change. Anything I didn’t do when I was single was because I wasn’t interested.

There are some friends that it may be wise to distant yourself from when you’re married because of their lifestyle. But other than that, you should be able to keep them in your life. If they don’t call you, call them when you can and chat with them. Let them know marriage isn’t going to change anything about your relationship with them and you intend to maintain it, that’s if this really matters to you.

From my experience it is normal for marriage to change the dynamics of some friendships. For example when I was single I used to run every decision I wanted to make by my girlfriend who is my best friend. But now that I am married I have my husband to do that with, and my husband and I have a very close relationship, he is also my best friend and he’s very supportive. So the topics my girlfriend and I have to discuss has reduced. But she remains my best friend.

So if marriage has changed the dynamics of your relationship with friends, that’s not something to feel bad about. You’re in a different place in life now. Focus on that. And if your friends are really true friends they won’t make you feel guilty for that. Instead they will make efforts to remain close to you.

If you’re a house wife or your spouse is always working or lives in another country, get yourself busy. In this technology age you don’t have to go out of the house to be busy. There are so many things you can do from your phone that will fill up your time and help you acquire profitable skills, improve your self worth and fatten your bank account. I do not think that keeping busy can stop the feeling of loneliness when your spouse is not always around, but it’s a way to cope if that’s your reality for now. An idle mind they say is the devil’s workshop.

Caveat: I understand that not all men are the same and therefore not all marriages can be the same. There are some men that have made it difficult for their woman to confide in them or to freely express themselves either because they have shown they can’t be trusted or they lack trust themselves for their wives. So in such situations it is my recommendation that you do what you think is best for you based on the circumstances you find yourself. I really believe though that having good communication with our spouses can be the answer to a lot of problems that marriages face. Remember though that communication doesn’t involve just talking, it involves listening to the other party too.

The post And The Two Will Be One Flesh – Newlywed Marriage Advice appeared first on The Good and Happy Wife Blog.

Going into Marriage with Realistic Expectations Prepares You to Manage Situations as they come up

I had an advantage when I went into marriage. The advantage is that my husband and I have had a great friendship that lasted years before we started our courtship, so being friends we already established a good rapport. So even though we knew we still had some challenges when it came to sorting out issues, we knew we would always be open to communication and therefore we’d be able to talk things out as they come up, until we perfect our conflict resolution skills.

I believe it is normal in the first year of marriage to have a lot of disagreements and arguments as you both adjust to your new life, especially when you both have lived independently for a long time. Now coming together as one, having someone in your space all the time because it’s no longer only yours anymore, and being responsible for them and the home especially for the woman can be a lot to adjust to. So during that process of adjusting, issues normally will come up often. And we both knew this and went into our marriage with realistic expectations.

We didn’t go in thinking it will always be rosy. We knew our personalities can and does easily clash sometimes. Going in with realistic expectations has helped us adjust quickly in our marriage. When there was a misunderstanding and then an argument we were quick to remember that we knew this was going to happen so how do we fix it. And we are often quick to get into fixing mood without letting things linger unnecessarily. And I’ve learnt a few things so far that has made arguments a rare thing in our home.

Marriage is a place where learning never ends. The more years you stay in a marriage the more you learn and get to know your partner better. As at writing this article I am four months and three weeks old in my marriage. And compared to when I just got married, I have learnt some things about marriage that even though I knew some of them before getting married, I didn’t fully understand until seeing it play out in real life. These things I have learnt in this short time has helped us a lot and our relationship, and how we deal with each other gets better everyday.

The first few months may be your hardest

If you were, or have been an independent woman for some years and now you’re soon to get be married, be prepared! Your first few months of marriage may just be your toughest time in the relationship.

Before marriage I lived a very singular life for many years, over a decade. I did whatever I wanted to do when I wanted to do it. I cooked when I wanted. I went out or slept in when I wanted. I could choose to watch movies all day and never cook that day and just eat junk foods. I lived a lazy life really. I’m fortunate to have a business that doesn’t require me to go out often and I didn’t have anyone to consider their feelings about when I did what.

Also for a long time I thought I couldn’t live with someone because I loved my space so much. I rarely even accepted visitation from best friend and colleagues. I usually just wanted to be left alone. Now getting married that lifestyle was forced to change. I wake up in the morning and first thing I do is think about what the husband would eat. When we got married my husband had a few weeks leave from work and I gave myself a month off any business to just relax and recover from the stress of the wedding planning, so we were indoor everyday for the first month, and I had to make something available for us to eat at least twice a day.

I couldn’t feel like I didn’t want to be bothered anymore. I had to be bothered whether I wanted to at that moment or not. And it wasn’t that hubby was making me do anything, but not wanting to feel like the wife that doesn’t take care of her husband, you force yourself up to do things sometimes when you are not feeling up to it. Although I happen to have a very understanding husband, if I say I wasn’t feeling up to cooking he tells me don’t bother let’s go eat out; or if it’s one of the times he’s in the mood he will make us breakfast. But that’s another thing, I always want to do things myself because I like to have things my way. So even when help is being offered by hubby sometimes, I’ll still rather do it myself. The only time I excitedly let hubby cook is when I know he’s going to make Noodles. He does that better than I can or care to do.

So like I said before it’s a lot of adjustment hitting you at once. You could find yourself getting easily irritated over something hubby said or did when the truth is you’re just overwhelmed. A part of you can even start to ask yourself why you got married. Marriage is the most beautiful and fulfilling thing that I have done in my life and I have a very enviable relationship with my husband. But to deny that it doesn’t come with some stress especially from cooking and cleaning and doing the dishes ALL the time is not telling the full story. I actually have a new found respect for married women with children. If taking care of the husband and the home can feel overwhelming sometimes, just imagine when the babies come. May God help us.

After almost five months in marriage, I’m settled into the lifestyle now and it no longer feels like a big deal, but it took a few months to get here, which is why I say the first few months may be your hardest because the differences in your character is more pronounced when you start living together as husband and wife. Plus the lifestyle change for the independent woman. This can make some women start to feel very frustrated and start throwing the D word (Divorce) carelessly around. They don’t usually mean it, just that Change isn’t easy for some people.

The way out is communication! Communicate in love. Ask for help from your partner if you feel you need it. I thank God everyday for the husband he gave me. He’s very strong willed just like me but he also can be patient. When we just got married and there was a little misunderstanding, I was quick to say I should never have gotten married. Deep down I was never serious when I said it because I knew how blessed I felt, but when I was angry or irritated I usually just rant on. But hubby was patient and would calmly talk to me, and when he did I could feel his love for me from his words. And God! I love that man too, so much.

On my part, after all the ranting I evaluate myself privately. I try to be honest with myself and get to the root of why I was so angry. And when I realized there was a good ground for my anger I tried to express it in a better way, better tone.

Also I asked for help from hubby. I told him how overwhelmed I was feeling. I am not someone that enjoys cooking and washing plates, things I now have to do everyday. Hubby doesn’t like cooking and doing dishes either. But I do what I have to do. And hubby helps every now and then with some of the other chores in the house, sometimes even cooks and does the dishes, although rarely . He’s even suggested we get a Help to help me out, but I thought we could manage by ourselves for awhile since it’s just the two of us for now. As helpful as Helps can be, at the end of the day they are a third party in a home. A stranger. And I don’t trust easily. So while I know I would have to give in to hiring one at some point, I’m in no rush to do so.

I’ve learned to manage my responsibilities as a wife. Hubby has his and I have mine. We just each need to play our part and make sure to let the other person know that we appreciate their efforts, and in the case of the woman the husband can assist when he can, even though all he does is stay in the kitchen with the wife for awhile as she cooks and distract her from the stress of what she’s doing by sharing stories about his day or flirting with her. That goes a long way to help the mindset of the woman and how she sees herself in the marriage. There’s no time I serve food and we finish eating that my husband doesn’t say Thank You to me. Those two words as simple as they are has a lot of effect on me, how I see myself in his life. I remember the first few weeks in marriage, there were thoughts running through my head, like this marriage thing is just a place where a woman just serves the man while he relaxes. I mean a husband and wife will both go out and have a stressful day but when they return home one gets to go relax while the other slaves away in the kitchen. I even asked myself, is this my life now, a life of serving someone?

But that was the wrong mindset. And a partner’s attitude towards the efforts the wife puts into the home will determine if the wife sees herself as a slave serving a master and starts to resent him for it or if she accepts her role as a helpmate and sees herself as a partner who is playing her part towards a common goal, to make a happy home.

Also compromise is another thing that a couple must give in every now and then. You can’t be too rigid. When there’s a disagreement about something the other person wants, you must meet each other half way. My husband and I do that when need be to accommodate the other person’s needs and or desires so everyone is happy.

You have to recommit to your partner everyday

I am someone that usually wants to pull myself from a situation the moment it starts to feel difficult. I can quickly forget all the good times and the promises I made in those good times and just say fvck it. So few weeks into our marriage I had moments when I questioned my decision to get married and said to my husband I don’t think I can do this. He looked at me in shock like are you kidding me? We just got married! He felt disappointed and heartbroken in those moments. I would get sad seeing him that way. I did a lot of self talk in those first few weeks. I quickly learned that you don’t say I DO to him and marriage once and that’s it. You continuously have to say I DO to this person everyday of your life. When I did my self talk I would ask myself, do you think you made a mistake choosing him? The answer would be NO there’s no one else I would rather be with, that I have always been one hundred percent sure of.

The next question would be, is the situation really that bad that you’re feeling this way or is this just your ego/pride acting up? Then in that moment I choose him over again and I recommit to doing better to create a peaceful and happy home. You have to choose your spouse and choose to be married every very often for you to remain focused on sustaining a happy home. I’m glad to say that the days of questioning my decision to get married is in the past now. I have been known to resist Change. Generally I don’t do well with change at all. So I believe part of our issues at the beginning of our marriage was me resisting change, I panicked.

No winner no loser in arguments

I dare to say the main reason arguments get drown out in marriage is because one or both partners are trying to win the argument. One or both don’t want to back down. For men it’s usually because of their egos. But some women like me struggle with ego too, but sometimes it’s just pettiness on our part. I’ve realized that shouldn’t be.

We are not in a competition against each other and shouldn’t act like we are. We are partners. We are a team. A team who wins together and loses together. My husband would say that he’s the person that loves me the most in the whole world and the person that wants the best for me the most, so he can’t possibly have bad intentions when he says or does something. And I’m sure some husbands feel the same way. And if you look at it from that point of view, you wouldn’t reason badly phrased comments too deep. Sometimes people have the best intentions but their delivery may be poor.

We also want to remember that not all men understand how to approach certain things or phrase their words sometimes in a way that it is welcoming to the woman. I’ve accused my husband of that a few times, and he’s learning

If there’s happiness in the home we both are happy. If there’s sadness we both suffer. It pays no one to let a grudge fester.

Learn to laugh over some things

These days I’m very chilled in my marriage. There’s hardly anything to make a fuss about. It’s been a lot of laughter and zero arguments for awhile. Not that we used to have a lot. Combine all the major arguments we have had since getting married I doubt it’s been more than five.

Now when I feel there is something to fuss about, I just ignore. It’s usually not that deep anyway some of the things we women make issue of. I have learned that I have to control the desire to debate everything. The desire to be seen as right when it really doesn’t matter. If you want to have a peaceful happy home you need to pick your battles because arguments sucks out the joy in the home. Don’t start one except the issue is important to you. Did he not flush the toilet properly? flush it. Did he not put his dirty clothes where they should be? Pick them up and put them where they should be, it takes less energy to do that than it takes to quarrel about it. Of course if it bothers you, you should tell him calmly later to put more efforts into doing things properly. But that moment you notice it, it may not be the best time to talk about it since you could speak from a place of anger or irritation.

So that’s it! I’ll continue to submit myself to more learning and improving as a wife and as a person in general. I’m happy to be married, life is a lot better with a companion. I’m especially happy to be married to the man I am married to. I’ll say I DO to him every day of my life. Our relationship has been more beautiful than anything I ever dreamed of about marriage. And we’re only just starting!

Are you recently married? What would you say you have learned so far? Was adjusting difficult for you? Have you been married for some years? Please share some wisdom with us! How was it like for you especially at the beginning of the marriage? What challenges did you face and how did you deal with them? I can’t wait to read from you! If you’re yet to be married let us know what your biggest take away is from this article.

The post What 4 Months In Marriage Has Taught Me – Newlywed Marriage Advice appeared first on The Good and Happy Wife Blog.