I’d been dreaming about getting married and becoming a wife before I even knew what marriage and being a wife really entails. For me then it was just about the excitement of getting married and my love for children driving my desire to want to have kids early in life.
Although I had very good example early in life of a happy marriage. We celebrated our parents 50th wedding anniversary in 2017. As at writing this they’ve been happily married for 54 years. Watching their relationship for the many years I was at home helped shaped my thinking about the kind of wife I wanted to be. Some things about my mom as a wife I’ll like to exemplify. She was hard-working, financially independent and supportive, it was a real partnership what they had, and still have; sadly mom’s health has deteriorated but my dad is by her side everyday.
My mom didn’t have to wait for my Dad to give her money for food before she will buy food items for the house. There was nothing like this is yours and this is mine. They did everything together regardless of who brought what. That I really love.
Like I said in how to be a good wife, I think a couple should be one unit at home, as long as there’s no selfishness from any of them. But as great as I think my mom was as a wife, I don’t try to be like her exactly. I’m a different person with different ideas, plus now is a different time; some things are a bit different now because we know better. My front row seat to my parents relationship, my own past relationship experiences and that from my environment have as expected influenced the kind of wife I want to be, to some extent, what I will be and what I won’t. But largely what has influenced me is my own self, discovering myself, knowing who I am and what kind of life I want, what kind of home I want to have, especially as a practicing Christian who wants to set an example of a happy home.
What preparation required before marriage depends on what kind of marriage you want to have and what you think you need to put in place to have such marriage. For me I prepared myself to be a wife in four ways.
4 Ways I Prepared Myself to be a Wife
1. I worked hard to become financially independent.
I have never been a woman who was okay with asking a man for money for what I needed, any man, even my brother. Also I intended to be a supportive wife financially, I wouldn’t be the wife who waits on her husband to buy any and everything. So thank God I could achieve that before getting married. It was very important to me for my own self respect and for the overall good of the family.
2. I worked on my Ego and tolerance level
Ego is one of the biggest challenge to a successful relationship, especially worse for a woman to have since you have to let the man lead. So I knew I had to work on it. But it’s not that easy.
Before I got engaged and got married, I’d been independent, living on my own and paying my own bills for about 15 years. Add that to the fact that I’ve always been opinionated and stubborn. I sometimes become my own worse enemy in a relationship. When upset I’m quick to become arrogant when talking, disrespectful. I’m quick to walk out on a conversation and want to end things, my tolerance level was very low. I’m quick to say I don’t need this in my life and walk away. This behavior can’t be good for any relationship especially not one you want to last happily forever.
In fact this attitude almost ended our courtship barely a week into it. Something had to be done. So I started working on my tolerance level, how can I agree to be a wife and live together forever with another person if I don’t have patience? It won’t work. I started to control myself, I don’t rush to talk when I am angry. I take some time to calm down, think things through, be honest with myself about my fault if any, in what happened; I make clear to myself of why I am really angry and I approach my partner and try to express myself clearly as politely as possible. And that helped.
I wish I can say that I don’t have this problem anymore, but I’m married now and still do. But because I know of the problem and I consistently make efforts to control it, I now have a better handle on it. Still a work in progress, but it made a great difference that I started working on this before marriage. You may have same challenge and need to work on it. Or yours may be something else. You have to be honest with yourself, are there behavioral problems you have that can become a problem in a marriage? You can start preparing yourself now to be a good wife.
3. I worked on mastering using We instead of I, and Ours instead of Mine.
I made conscious effort to start using We instead of I and Ours instead of Mine when we started courtship. It was important to the kind of relationship I wanted our marriage to be. My husband, then fiance felt the same way. Even his car, when I refer to it as his car he corrects me and asks me to refer to things as Ours or just say the car. It’s all about building a one unit relationship. What belongs to him belongs to me and verse visa. Having that understanding before marriage was helpful. It was part of creating a solid foundation for our marriage. If we’re taking a vow to become One then we wanted to be one for real. And today that’s how we operate in our home.
4. I accepted the Role of a Wife
Like I’ve said I was independent and living alone for about 15 years before getting married. In those years I never had to cook if I didn’t want to. I didn’t have to arrange or sweep the house if I didn’t feel up to it. No one was going to be upset over it or ask me why the house looked that way or what was for dinner. And there was a part of me that loved living alone, my privacy and peace was everything to me.
My husband and I courted for about 8 months before getting married. During that period I made peace with the idea of becoming a wife. I accepted the Role. I told myself yes I would be losing some things I am used to, but I will be gaining a lot more.
As at writing this I’ve been married for over 3 months, and I can tell you that thinking of what to cook, cooking and washing the dishes are the most stressful part of being a wife. Even though I do prefer to cook my own food than eat out, I can’t say I love cooking. And even less washing dishes. But it’s largely the wife’s role that I prepared myself for and accepted before getting married.
Now even though it’s stressful to cook, I love cooking for and eating with my husband. Watching him enjoy something I cook every time gives me joy 🙂 . And I know he does a lot for the home too, even some chores. Marriage is a partnership, everyone plays their part and contributes to the smooth running, happiness and peace of the home. So are you preparing yourself to become a wife? It’s exciting to plan a wedding and show off your husband to all your friends but when it’s all over and everyone leaves and it’s just the two of you, will you be able to play the role you’ve gotten yourself into? Will your husband continue to have reasons to be happy he chose you? I know it’s not just on you to make a happy home but we’re focused here on you playing your part to make your home a happy one. And I believe you can do it.