The question is understandable. But before I comment on it let’s remind you of what Genotype is and what’s compatible and what’s not.

Dr. Ademola Peter in one of his articles sometime ago on Genotype compatibility and Blood groups said this about what Genotype is.

Genotype simply refers to hemoglobin gene constituents. Genes are always in pairs and overall expression depends whether dominant, recessive or X-linked. So there is no problem when one of the genes is abnormal e.g. AS, AC. This is called a carrier state (Sickle cell trait). Only when the two are abnormal then there is a great problem.

The great problem the doctor referred to above that we have to avoid when choosing a marriage mate is Sickle cell anemia.

Sickle cell anemia is one of a group of inherited disorders known as sickle cell disease. It affects the shape of red blood cells, which carry oxygen to all parts of the body.

Red blood cells are usually round and flexible, so they move easily through blood vessels. In sickle cell anemia, some red blood cells are shaped like sickles or crescent moons. These sickle cells also become rigid and sticky, which can slow or block blood flow.

There’s no cure for most people with sickle cell anemia.

Mayo Clinic

Compatible Genotypes

The Genotypes in humans are AA, AS, AC, SS.
We care about Genotype compatibility for two people intending to marry because if they have children like most married couples choose to do, they can pass the abnormal hemoglobin to their child or children.

Normal Hemoglobin
AA

Abnormal Hemoglobin
AS and AC (Medically known as having the sickle cell trait).

Then someone with SS is a person with the Sickle cell anemia.

To avoid having a child with Sickle cell anemia, a person with the abnormal hemoglobin which is translated as AS or AC MUST NOT marry someone who also has abnormal hemoglobin. However, the person with normal hemoglobin AA can marry someone with the abnormal hemoglobin and even someone with the Sickle cell disease without fear of creating any medical problem for their unborn children.

Please note that there are two things, sickle cell trait and sickle cell disease. They are NOT the same thing. While one is a serious medical condition (Sickle cell disease) the other is not a medical condition. Although if you research further on sickle cell trait you will come to find that it is possible for people with sickle cell trait to experience some conditions that can lead to serious health issues, but this rarely happens according to experts. Most people with sickle cell trait go on to live very normal lives. In reality I am yet to see a person with the Genotype AS having any health issue due to being a carrier of the defective gene.

So for Genotype combination for marriage, this means:

AA and AA – Compatible (Avoids passing the sickle cell trait to their child or children)

AA and AS or AA and AC – Compatible (but there is a chance of passing the sickle cell trait to their child or children).

AA and SS – Compatible (but ALL their children will have the sickle cell trait, meaning they will all be AS).

AS and AS or AC and AC – NOT compatible (there’s one in three chances that they will have a child with the disease, worse it’s possible that ALL their children will have it).

AS and SS or AC and SS – NOT compatible (there’s a one in two chances that they will have a child with the disease, worse it’s possible that all their children will have it.).

SS and SS – NOT compatible (All their children will have the Sickle cell disease).

Finally to round up the biological information on compatible Genotype for marriage let’s answer some commonly asked questions.

What happens if Genotype AS marry AS?

Like I said above, there’s a chance of conceiving a child with SS Genotype, a Sickle cell anemia child. Not that it is guaranteed to happen. But there’s a one in three chances of it happening. When AS marries AS the possible Genotype they will create are AA, AS and SS.

Can AS marry AA and give birth to AA?
As I have said above, yes they can.

Can AA marry SS and give birth to SS?
No. There’s no chance of that happening.

So is Genotype Compatibility for Marriage Still as Serious as it Used to Be?

I remember when I got to know about Genotype, I was barely an adult. Actually a Christian sister had lost her young son and I went with my mom to visit her. We didn’t know the cause of his death prior to visiting them. But when we got there the woman was telling some of her guests what happened to him, and mentioned that he was of the Genotype SS.

My mom hadn’t heard about the condition before and therefore was shook to hear it was life threatening. I know she was shook because the next day she took my sister and I (we were the two  children still at home) and her two grandchildren then to a lab to check our Genotype. Fortunately our results were all AA including my mom’s. I repeated that test at least three times after that initial test before getting married. That is because of how important it is that one be compatible with their intended to avoid long term painful consequences both for the unborn child/children and their parents.

So to answer the question, technology may have evolved and medicine may have advanced, but it is still as important as it has always been to have a compatible Genotype with your intended, for most of us anyway. For the few rich who have lots of millions of Naira to spare and don’t mind the time and trouble involved, in the name of love, IVF now offers a way out for incompatible partners to have kids with zero chance of them having Sick cell Anaemia.

There’s a Way for AS and AS to Get Married and Have Kids Who Are Not Sicklers

In Nigeria we call those with Sickle cell Anemia Sicklers. Can AS and AS get married now and have kids who don’t have Sickle cell disease? The answer is Yes. Like I said at the beginning medicine has advanced. Here’s the solution to Genotype AS + AS.

The process that enables this is called Preimplantation Genetic Diagnosis (PGD) and it

refers specifically to a diagnostic method that allows intending parents to avoid the risk of passing on a known genetic disease to their child/children.

Nordica

And one of such Genetic diseases is Sickle cell. The procedure has a 99.9 percent success rate.

However, any couple doing the procedure will have to artificially conceive all their children because it is the embryo that has been confirmed to be free of the disease that will then be implanted in the woman, making natural conception not an option for such ones.

If this is something that interest you and you want more information on how the process works and the actual cost, then please do some research and book appointment with a good fertility clinic. But I can tell you though that PGD is not cheap. And the fact that you have to conceive artificially means having a baby at the end of the day comes with all the cons that comes with IVF treatment, one of them being that conception is not guaranteed even after spending all the millions.

My Advice on Genotype Compatibility

I know it is not easy but trust me it is easier to wait however long it takes you to wait for a partner whose genotype is compatible with yours and that loves you, than it is to give in and marry someone whose Genotype isn’t compatible with yours because you think with love nothing else matters. It matters dear, except you won’t see how much it matters now until it will be too late.

It is true that when AS marries AS there’s a chance that they won’t have a sickle cell child. But there’s also a chance that all their kids will be SS. As long as that chance exists that you will have a child that has the disease, it is not worth it. I’ve been opportune to read about the condition from some of those who suffer from it and honestly it’s not something you wish on your enemy not to talk of someone you love. The condition is described with a lot of pain whenever there’s an episode. And the sufferer is in and out of the hospital for most of their lives. The condition also limits them sometimes from socializing and attending to their studies.

The sickle cells die early, which causes a constant shortage of red blood cells. Also, when they travel through small blood vessels, they get stuck and clog the blood flow. This can cause pain and other serious complications (health problems) such as infection, acute chest syndrome and stroke.

CDC.Gov

And aside the pain and trouble of having a child who is always sick, there’s the financial burden too. Keep in mind the condition has no cure. It can only be managed.

What if you just agree with your intended not to have kids, and never have to be bothered by Genotype compatibility. That works. But I don’t recommend it. The reason is because one or both partners down the road can have a change of mind and start to want kids, maybe due to peer pressure, I have seen it happen, so then what. Again, it’s not worth it.

Finally, now that we’ve clarified that Genetic compatibility for marriage is still very important, make sure to run Genotype test a number of times in different laboratory/hospital to be completely sure of your status. And this is whether you’re AA or AS. Stories abound of labs giving wrong results to people. So go to competent labs to reconfirm your Genotype.

If you did a Genotype test during your University/Polytechnic admission days, please don’t trust the result. I speak from personal experience. Those people sometimes mix up samples and give wrong result to students.

Also no second guessing your Genotype status, even when your parents claim to both be AA, still go check yours. It’s possible they are wrong. You can’t afford to second guess and be wrong. Also I’m sure there are some people out there who are not being told who their biological father is. That’s most likely not your case but you get the point .

The post Genotype Compatibility For Marriage – Is It Still As Serious As It Used To Be? appeared first on The Good and Happy Wife Blog.

The Rush against the Female Biological Clock

I’ve been there. In the article Over 30, Single and Childless should I be worried? I shared my struggles in that period of my life. And as I said in that article between 38 and 39 I was seriously thinking about going through one of the methods available to me to have a child without a husband. And I wanted to do that for two reasons:

1. I was getting close to 40 very fast. And I knew husband or no husband I didn’t want to be having kids when I was 45 and above. So I felt if I didn’t start then (and I planned to have at least two kids), I was going to find myself still having kids when I was almost 45 or even above.Aside from the risks the mother faces when having kids late, fertility reduces with age.
   And 40 and above are likely to suffer from infertility due to low ovarian reserve, meaning the numbers of eggs the woman has left has greatly reduced, especially in quality. And I didn’t want to go through life without having kids. I didn’t mind not getting married. By 38 I had made peace with the possibility that I’d never find the kind of man I wanted and therefore I’d never get married. But not having kids? No, I wouldn’t feel complete if I don’t have kids. I felt I didn’t have control over getting a husband but I could choose to have kids myself if I wanted.
2. If you’re someone who loves kids and your dream is to have some, there will be a point you get to in life when the desire to have your own kids and experience all that comes with it will become really strong. I was at that stage. Infact I had been at that stage since I was 35. But I kept waiting and I kept hoping that I would find a husband, because as much as I wanted kids and I knew I could have them and take care of them myself, that wasn’t the dream. That wasn’t how I wanted to have kids. Each time I pictured myself having a family I pictured it with a husband. I pictured my kids having a father and a mother.

30 is Too Early to be that Desperate

Desperation comes with age. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Most singles approaching 30 and over 30 gets desperate to settle down and have kids. I made some mistakes myself out of desperation.

I dated someone I should never have dated. I knew from the beginning that this person wasn’t right for me. But I went ahead regardless because I just wanted to feel like I had someone in my life. I felt that was better than the loneliness. But I knew I was more than that so that quickly came to an end. I also considered marrying a few persons I shouldn’t have. Thank God none of it lead to the altar, I would have regretted it big time!

In the end I decided it was better to go through life alone than to settle for less, which was when I decided hey, I should just have a child I don’t need a man!

So I understand desperation. But 30 is just too early to be so desperate that you want to have a child on your own. Calm down. There’s still some time. There’s still 5 years before 35, that’s more than enough time to find, court and get married. And a lot of people have gotten married at 35 and conceived without any problem. Keep in mind that getting married late doesn’t necessarily mean that it will be hard for you to have kids. Just as getting married early isn’t a guarantee that a woman won’t be faced with infertility. There are people who married early and are now in their late 30s and 40s and still childless.

My point with that is we don’t have control over these things so no need trying to play God. Let things play out on their own, it might all just work to your favor as it did for me. The delay I had finding a husband turned out to be a big blessing. It allowed me enough time to grow my business, my income and my assets, and just when I had done all that I got the man of my dreams!

When you don’t have kids and you want them desperately, it’s easy to think that having kids will solve your problems. You won’t feel lonely anymore you’ll think. But that’s not true. If that were to be true, we won’t have single moms looking for a husband. Going through life alone with kids you have to raise by yourself and do everything for, isn’t easy. From what I see and hear sometimes from people doing it, it can be very overwhelming, and lonely too. And as you deal with that, your kids won’t let you rest with questions about why their dad is not in their lives, plus the void that will cause in their lives too.

Like I said before, I had wanted kids since I was 35. I actually wanted kids before I was 35 but I didn’t let myself worry about that as much then because in my early thirties I was still struggling to feed myself. So making money to be able to live better was my focus then. But before 36 my financial situation had greatly improved. I could have pursued the process of having a child by myself from age 36. But each time I thought about it I got scared from it because I knew it was a lot to take on alone.

Imagine being pregnant and sleeping and waking up all alone. Nobody to be there for you. Yes you can hire a live in Help, but you and I know that the kind of care and attention a pregnant woman needs the most can’t come from a Help, it can’t even come from a best friend. So you go through the pregnancy all alone then on the day of delivery nobody’s there for you too. Yes, there could be maybe a sibling, cousin or a friend there in the labor room with you, but the feeling won’t be the same. Nothing like the father of the child sharing this moment with you, the pains and the joy.

I also knew I wanted more. Like I said at the beginning of this, having a child on my own wasn’t the dream.

My niece who lived with me from 2019 till I got married said to me a few times, sister if na me get money like you I for don get pikin o (Sister if I had money like you do I would have already had a child). I would just smile and think, if only it was that simple!

I knew I wanted a child. I knew I could comfortably financially take care of some kids alone but I also knew it wasn’t all I wanted. I knew having kids alone wouldn’t be enough for me. Have kids and then what? I would have greatly reduced the pool of men that would want me for a wife because let’s face it, not all men, especially Nigerian men will want to marry a woman with children.

So I kept procrastinating. I would say okay by the coming new year if I don’t find a mate, I will take matters into my own hands. But then the year would come and go and I still wouldn’t do anything. But at 39 I started to make moves. I told myself, yes this isn’t the way I would have wanted it to go but usually you can’t win all in life. I rather have kids alone than have neither. The option I was going to go for was IVF using Sperm donor. But just then I started courting my husband who had been my best friend for years, and the rest is history as they say.

Why Settle when you can have everything you dreamed of

Having a child alone is another way of settling for less than you deserve. I look back now and I know my life would have been very different if my husband didn’t come when he did. The love and companionship I enjoy now can be compared to nothing. As much as I wanted a child, not even having a child compares to it, yes I mean that! And now I can have kids just as it’s meant to be, and I have this loving man to share every moment of the experience with, and raise wonderful kids with.

What most of us women really want is to have a family, a loving husband who will become a loving father to our children, someone we can plan out the rest of our lives with. And a little more patience could bring you the man of your dreams. I never ever thought that at my age I could find the type of man and the type of love that I did, but I did. And we had a beautiful wedding and we are living a happy life, thanks to God.

I have come to realize that things usually work themselves out if we will just give it some time. Even thinking back to when I was trying to grow a business and it took me 7 years before I could grow a successful business, it took patience and determination to live a better life for me to find myself where I am today in business. And my story is more inspiring today because of all the challenges I had to deal with. And I am able to use my story as a testimony here now because I had that long waiting period. So all the delays in business and in my love life all worked out for my good today because thanks to them I get to inspire others today, helping them to find the strength they need to cope with life’s challenges, and fight for the life they deserve.

I’m a very realistic person, so I’m going to add this. It is not easy to keep waiting when you’ve past a certain age. When you’re in your late 30s and single and childless and you’re financially independent you will feel a strong pressure, from yourself and from peers, to just have a baby alone. And haven been through that myself I can’t fault you if you have chosen to do that. It’s your decision. But if you’re just about hitting 30 or you’re 30, I’m saying there’s still some time. Be patient. The chance to give your future kids a home with a father and a mother and also to find love and eternal companionship is worth the wait. And my prayer for you is that when you do find a husband he makes it worth your wait like it was for me.

What You Should Consider doing Instead If You’re 30 Single and Childless

The main reason some single women who are 30 and childless wants to have a baby alone is because of the fear of their biological clock. So what if instead of having a baby now you create a backup plan for yourself in case you get married later and biology starts to work against you?

So how do you create a backup plan?

Have you heard of egg freezing? Maybe you have but just don’t know the details about it so it hasn’t been an option to consider.

Well let me tell you a little about it. Thanks to advancing technology you can retrieve some of your eggs while they are still of good quality and freeze them for as long as ten years! This is not new. It’s been around for awhile but in our part of the world it’s still new, many average Nigerians don’t know about it.

When I was 30 I didn’t know about egg freezing, even if I did though it wouldn’t have mattered because I was still struggling to feed then so I wouldn’t have been able to afford it. But it would have been nice to know the option was available to me.

You may wonder could you still conceive naturally later if you freeze your eggs? Yes you could. Freezing some eggs doesn’t even reduce your ovarian reserve.

Egg freezing won’t lower your ovarian reserve and won’t decrease your chances of getting pregnancy naturally in the future. – Dr Maslow

ExtendFertility.com
You may not ever need to use the eggs you freeze, but if you do, if you marry late and have problem conceiving naturally due to age, you will have those quality eggs to fall back on through IVF. Without freezing your eggs, IVF above 35 using your own eggs has very low chance of success compared to IVF for 35 and under. It is part of planned Parenthood, delaying childbearing without the fear of infertility later.

Egg freezing isn’t cheap to do but it’s affordable if you earn well. The procedure may come with some risks so it’s something you should research on and speak to the right doctor about to know if it’s something you want to do.

All the best.

The post 30 Single And Wants A Baby – Should You Have A Baby Without A Husband? appeared first on The Good and Happy Wife Blog.

You’re clearly at a point in your life when getting married and having kids has become a priority for you. So even if I say don’t worry, realistically it’s not possible for you to stop worrying about this.

Also because there are valid reasons to be worried. While there is no time limit as to when to get married, there is a time limit to childbearing for women. Medical experts say an average woman’s reproductive years are between ages 21 to 51. And that as you get older your fertility declines and it becomes harder for you to conceive. And this applies to IVF too.

According to WebMD.com

The latest report, from 2018, shows that 50% of IVF procedures in women ages 35 and under resulted in a live birth. For women ages 42 and older, 3.9% of the egg transfers resulted in a birth.

See the huge difference between 35 and under and 42 and older? It’s scary to think about.

Then there’s the health risks too for older pregnant women.

This is not to add to your anxiety rather to keep things honest and practical.

You’re Not Alone

I read a post a few days ago by a lady who just clocked 30 and was feeling underachieved. She had planned out her life in her head and according to that plan she was supposed to have had a successful career by now and was supposed to have finished childbearing too. But here she was, no degree, no marriage and no children. I read her post and it touched me because I knew exactly how that feels and I know there are too many women in her shoes. I keep thinking how can I help this group of women, it’s partly why I started the Dear Karo session on this website. To give my time to listen to these women and offer them emotional and moral support. It’s not easy dealing with the feeling of sadness and loneliness alone. It could lead to serious depression. So anything I can do to help I’m open to it.

35 Single and Childless – The Struggle is Real

I remember when I was 30. That was 2011. In 2011 I was jobless, no money, no degree, no husband and no child. I was staying alone in one tiny room in a compound I will describe as ghetto. Imagine a house of 25 rooms how crowded that would be. I was only able to feed from the little allowance my elder sister was giving me. I had a job for 2 years plus. My salary was meager just N21k (I only had Ordinary National Diploma and was working with that) but as at then it was enough to take care of my basic needs. But then I lost that job unexpectedly in 2009. I was fired from the job suddenly and no reason was giving to me as to why I was being let go.

I went home and cried my eyes out. Then later I got really angry at how easily they got rid of me without caring about how I will survive. That was when I decided that I will never work for anyone again. I refuse to give someone that much control over my life again. So I decided to create a job for myself.

At this time I had given up on furthering my Education. I really wasn’t a school person anyway. All I wanted was just to get a BSC and be done. But after OND and direct entry wasn’t happening fast enough, I was over it.

Creating a successful business is easier said than done. But I started on it. I wanted to learn how to make money online because working from home is the best way to get the lifestyle I wanted for myself. When my sister discovered my interest in that she decided to place me on an allowance so I wouldn’t need to get another job and I could focus on learning the trade I was interested in. The allowance wasn’t much and I struggled to survive with it.

I didn’t expect things to happen quickly. I expected there to be a learning period and a wait period for the business to take off. What I didn’t know is that it would take me another 7 years before I would become successful in a business. That 7 years till date remains the toughest time in my life . My business was going nowhere, neither was my relationships. Every attempt I made towards that ended very quickly.

At 35, 2016, I was very broke. Actually broke seems an understatement for my condition then. I struggled from month to month to feed. At this time my sister was no longer giving me an allowance. I depended on the little money I was making from my business then, about N30k. And sometime in that 2016 I even lost that N30k monthly earnings. I was having to ask one sibling or the other for money to feed. It was a tough time And there was no one, no friend and no lover I could depend on to even emotionally make this period of my life bearable for me. A few men came and went. I was always indoor and therefore didn’t have as many opportunities to meet new love interests. But the few that came were mostly up to no good. And I was determined to marry for the right reasons.

I can’t tell you how many nights I cried alone. I’m someone that puts on a happy face regardless of what I am going through. So most of the people close to me then didn’t even know I was struggling that much. I had too much pride. I couldn’t bring myself to just ask friends for money, the few I could call friends then.

Just remembering that period of my life now brings tears to my eyes . I’m a Christian. I was raised on good Christian values that I still practice and believe in. But this time in my life my faith was getting weakened. I questioned God many times. I asked him what I did wrong that my life has to be that difficult, why was I not progressing in any area of my life? I put in so much effort in my business, I was on my laptop every weekday from 7pm to 7am for some of those 7 years it took me to become successful in a trade. I literally had years of sleepless nights. And I was active at a time with trying to find someone to love and still nothing seemed to progress. Many people I grew up with, attended school with and even those I was a lot older than were all progressing; graduating, getting a job, getting married and having kids while my life just seemed to remain constant.

I had so much love in me to give. I wanted to share that with someone. I wanted someone to love me. I wanted to journey the rest of my life with someone. I didn’t want to be alone anymore, I had been alone for way too long, since 2006! I wanted to have kids. Oh how much I wanted kids then! As I added to my age every year, these feelings intensified; as expected.

On one hand there was the pressure from the society to get married and have kids. On the other hand there was the pressure from myself. It’s a different feeling if the society wanted for you what you didn’t want for yourself or didn’t yet want. But I was longing to get married and have kids at that stage in my life. I was desperate even. A few times I considered settling for less than I wanted. The loneliness was getting unbearable. And there was some shame there too especially because my neighbors then didn’t let me forget that I was ‘old’. Every opportunity they took to insult me. Every mature single woman in Nigeria is regarded as an ashewo (prostitute). That’s the name everyone calls them especially by their fellow women.

Pull Yourself together! You’re in Charge of Your Life

If not for my strong convictions about the life I wanted I likely would have settled for just anyone then. I was so sure of it, not just the kind of man I wanted to marry and the kind of marriage I wanted to have, I was very sure of the kind of lifestyle I wanted to live too. I wanted a life of financial freedom. I wanted a life of time freedom. Basically I wanted to be able to earn 6-7 figure monthly but still be able to have the time to do whatever I wanted any day I wanted with my family. I wanted to be able to be home to raise my future kids while still being a boss. I wanted to make a difference in the world with the gift/skill that I have. For example this blog and this page you’re reading exists because it’s my little way of sharing hope with the world. My way of supporting and encouraging women to be more in their lives and marriages.

Getting the ‘right’ man was non negotiable for me. I knew marriage wasn’t a end all be all. Even though I loved to get married, I also was hearing of and seeing many marriages that were breaking up or tormentous, husband cheating on wife, husband beating wife, husband killing wife, wife cheating on husband and wife killing husband. It was everywhere and it was scary. I wanted none of it.

I never wanted to endure marriage. I wanted to enjoy it. Also I knew that if I made a mistake in choosing a spouse, I wasn’t the only one who will suffer for it. My unborn kids would suffer too. Kids have no say in choosing their parents. So they count on one of the parents to make the right decision of who to make their other parent. Choose wrong and it will affect the kids for the rest of their lives. How do you think the children feel when their parents are always yelling at each other? Or they always watch the dad beating their mother. Or the marriage become so abusive and toxic that one of them had to make the decision to separate or get a divorce, one parent will take custody and the other parent who doesn’t have custody may never get to see the kids again until they are adults, or he or she settles for seeing them once awhile. Kids needs both of their parents in their lives. A father cannot play the role of a mother and vice versa. So all this I think about a lot and it gave me the strength to keep pushing through the loneliness and never relent on what I wanted.

I also realized that getting married and having kids was just some of the things I needed to feel fulfilled in life. There were other things I needed too like I just explained above and becoming financially independent was on top of that list. You can’t be so eager to have a family and not equally be eager to improve yourself and your finance so as to be able to support that family. Also working on your personal and financial growth makes you more attractive to suitors, especially in this present economy. No man wants a liability. In fact for some men, it is not enough for a woman to earn. The woman’s earnings needs to make sense. You need to earn well especially now that cost of living has skyrocketed, N50k (Naira) salary won’t do it anymore. Also we know a lot of men are not earning well themselves so they want a woman who can complement them financially so the family can live decently.

How to Cope When you’re Over 30 Single and Childless

Focus on what you can control. I can’t tell you how many times I told myself during the eve of a new year that this new year I will get married. But each time the year came and went and I didn’t sometimes even get a serious relationship. Trying to control what is uncontrollable just makes you more vulnerable to the feeling of defeat. You start to feel you’re a failure. And if care is not taken you can start to have low self esteem, feeling that you’re not beautiful or that something is wrong with you that’s why no one wants you. Or you meet someone that is obviously not good for you but you keep them in your life anyway because what if another doesn’t come.

What you don’t know is that someone out there wants you. One of the best of men wants you. You just haven’t had the opportunity to meet yet probably because you both still have some work to do on yourselves before you meet. Read the story of how I met my husband and got my fairy tale at almost 40 and you will understand better what I mean here.

To cope in this challenging period of your life focus on what you can control as I said before. And what is it that you can control?

You can control personal development. Learn more skills. Add more value to yourself. Make yourself an asset both in character and in finance. Increase your pay worth.

Do you have a character flaw that many people have pointed out to you that had often caused problems in your past relationships? If you do, that can become a problem in marriage too. So work on it. The character flaw that I had that I was honest to myself about before getting married was that I had zero tolerance in relationships. My patience was thin, which made me appear harsh sometimes. I knew I needed to work on that. Then I needed to grow a thriving business too, not just to make myself more attractive to suitors but for me to feel good about myself and be able to afford a decent life for myself. A successful mature single woman is often not as desperate for marriage regardless of her age as a broke mature single woman is. Having lived through it and experienced both sides, mature single and broke, and mature single and financial comfortable, I can tell you that the feeling is different. You may not even want to get married anymore when you’ve gotten to a certain level of financial success.

With money, you can afford to enjoy life while you wait for your Mr Right. In fact with money you can fulfill some of your dreams without having a man. I mean if you’re desperate to have children like I was between ages 38 and 39 you can look into adopting. I don’t know how adoption works in Nigeria and if they allow singles to adopt but you can look into it. Another option is IVF, though most Christian faith don’t support the concept of a single woman going through IVF to have kids, so it might not be an option for everyone; but yes a mature single woman can have kids through IVF using a donor sperm.

Do Not Worry, Your Time Will Come

Not everyone will find the man for them and get married, but most will. So you very likely will. Just be patient and take advantage of the time you have now to grow yourself. Believe me it is harder to achieve much after you get married. Your time wouldn’t be all yours anymore. You have to take care of the home and your man everyday. Then there’s getting pregnancy, giving birth, breast-feeding and raising children. It’s a lot and it’s hard to find time for other things when you’re married. It takes a lot of determination for married women who are also mothers to be able to have a career. For some, some areas of their lives suffers for it, like the children being mostly raised by a nanny and the husband not getting as much attention as is needed for a beautiful, loving long lasting marriage.

Something else that you may be worrying about is that your age makes you less attractive to suitors. Maybe they will want younger women instead. Well, news flash! We have more men now going for mature older women than those going for younger women. Times have changed. Most men no longer wants a child for a wife. They want a woman mature enough to be an helpmate in all areas of life. That include supporting the family to achieve greater things. Girls of less than 25 don’t often have the level of maturity and clarity a woman of 30 and above has. So don’t worry about that at all.

Finally just live your life. Love will find you eventually. When my husband and I became a thing it was at a time I was no longer expecting to get married. I was focused on living a great singular life. I was already planning to take one of the options available to me to have kids in my life. And I was even already thinking of working on a house project for myself. So I encourage you to do the same. Remove your mind as much as possible from this marriage thing, plan your life like you are not going to get married. If you’re still living in your parents house, move out! Living alone forces you to take responsibility for yourself and your life. And responsibilities forces you to get a job or start business. With technology now it’s become really easy to start and grow a thriving business. Another reason you need to move out is because you don’t want to give your parents and or siblings any opportunity to mock you because of your situation.

Then once you start making money, make some investments in your name, get a car and build a house if your earnings enables you to. You can always move out later and rent it out when you find a husband and he isn’t comfortable living in a house you built. Don’t limit yourself in the name of waiting for a husband. Better it is if you’re already established before marriage. That way you’re more relaxed as I am now to enjoy your marriage when it happens. I’m still actively doing my business of course, but I don’t deal with the pressure to earn that start ups face because I already grew a thriving business before marriage.

Even though I would have preferred to have had kids earlier than I will now be doing, I am really grateful that I didn’t get married earlier than I did. It afforded me a lot of opportunities to grow personally and in business. I needed that time to be ready for marriage; mentally, emotionally and financially. As for now having kids late, it is more about the experience for me of nourishing, raising and guiding them in the right way to go and watching them blossom into their own person; beautiful, smart, intelligent, resourceful and God fearing children than it is when it is I have them. Also now I know better how to raise decent kids who are useful to themselves and the society than I did when I was 30.

I was 2 months shy of 40 when I got married. And even at that age I got one of the most handsome, intelligent, smart, loving, playful, God-fearing and supportive men out there and he is two years older than me. And my wedding? Oh it was beautiful! This could be you too soon. Find the strength you need to cope in this waiting period from my story. If it could happen for me, it can happen for you too.

And she got married and lived happily ever after!

I can’t wait to hear your own story on your journey to finding Mr Right. How has it been? What about this wait period do you find most challenging? Where is your head at? You can leave a comment below or email me your story I’ll publish it on this site to encourage others too. Or if you need my advice on something related, do send it over. You can leave a comment and or send your story anonymously if that will make you feel more free to express yourself.

The post Over 30 Single And Childless Should I Be Worried? appeared first on The Good and Happy Wife Blog.

Going into Marriage with Realistic Expectations Prepares You to Manage Situations as they come up

I had an advantage when I went into marriage. The advantage is that my husband and I have had a great friendship that lasted years before we started our courtship, so being friends we already established a good rapport. So even though we knew we still had some challenges when it came to sorting out issues, we knew we would always be open to communication and therefore we’d be able to talk things out as they come up, until we perfect our conflict resolution skills.

I believe it is normal in the first year of marriage to have a lot of disagreements and arguments as you both adjust to your new life, especially when you both have lived independently for a long time. Now coming together as one, having someone in your space all the time because it’s no longer only yours anymore, and being responsible for them and the home especially for the woman can be a lot to adjust to. So during that process of adjusting, issues normally will come up often. And we both knew this and went into our marriage with realistic expectations.

We didn’t go in thinking it will always be rosy. We knew our personalities can and does easily clash sometimes. Going in with realistic expectations has helped us adjust quickly in our marriage. When there was a misunderstanding and then an argument we were quick to remember that we knew this was going to happen so how do we fix it. And we are often quick to get into fixing mood without letting things linger unnecessarily. And I’ve learnt a few things so far that has made arguments a rare thing in our home.

Marriage is a place where learning never ends. The more years you stay in a marriage the more you learn and get to know your partner better. As at writing this article I am four months and three weeks old in my marriage. And compared to when I just got married, I have learnt some things about marriage that even though I knew some of them before getting married, I didn’t fully understand until seeing it play out in real life. These things I have learnt in this short time has helped us a lot and our relationship, and how we deal with each other gets better everyday.

The first few months may be your hardest

If you were, or have been an independent woman for some years and now you’re soon to get be married, be prepared! Your first few months of marriage may just be your toughest time in the relationship.

Before marriage I lived a very singular life for many years, over a decade. I did whatever I wanted to do when I wanted to do it. I cooked when I wanted. I went out or slept in when I wanted. I could choose to watch movies all day and never cook that day and just eat junk foods. I lived a lazy life really. I’m fortunate to have a business that doesn’t require me to go out often and I didn’t have anyone to consider their feelings about when I did what.

Also for a long time I thought I couldn’t live with someone because I loved my space so much. I rarely even accepted visitation from best friend and colleagues. I usually just wanted to be left alone. Now getting married that lifestyle was forced to change. I wake up in the morning and first thing I do is think about what the husband would eat. When we got married my husband had a few weeks leave from work and I gave myself a month off any business to just relax and recover from the stress of the wedding planning, so we were indoor everyday for the first month, and I had to make something available for us to eat at least twice a day.

I couldn’t feel like I didn’t want to be bothered anymore. I had to be bothered whether I wanted to at that moment or not. And it wasn’t that hubby was making me do anything, but not wanting to feel like the wife that doesn’t take care of her husband, you force yourself up to do things sometimes when you are not feeling up to it. Although I happen to have a very understanding husband, if I say I wasn’t feeling up to cooking he tells me don’t bother let’s go eat out; or if it’s one of the times he’s in the mood he will make us breakfast. But that’s another thing, I always want to do things myself because I like to have things my way. So even when help is being offered by hubby sometimes, I’ll still rather do it myself. The only time I excitedly let hubby cook is when I know he’s going to make Noodles. He does that better than I can or care to do.

So like I said before it’s a lot of adjustment hitting you at once. You could find yourself getting easily irritated over something hubby said or did when the truth is you’re just overwhelmed. A part of you can even start to ask yourself why you got married. Marriage is the most beautiful and fulfilling thing that I have done in my life and I have a very enviable relationship with my husband. But to deny that it doesn’t come with some stress especially from cooking and cleaning and doing the dishes ALL the time is not telling the full story. I actually have a new found respect for married women with children. If taking care of the husband and the home can feel overwhelming sometimes, just imagine when the babies come. May God help us.

After almost five months in marriage, I’m settled into the lifestyle now and it no longer feels like a big deal, but it took a few months to get here, which is why I say the first few months may be your hardest because the differences in your character is more pronounced when you start living together as husband and wife. Plus the lifestyle change for the independent woman. This can make some women start to feel very frustrated and start throwing the D word (Divorce) carelessly around. They don’t usually mean it, just that Change isn’t easy for some people.

The way out is communication! Communicate in love. Ask for help from your partner if you feel you need it. I thank God everyday for the husband he gave me. He’s very strong willed just like me but he also can be patient. When we just got married and there was a little misunderstanding, I was quick to say I should never have gotten married. Deep down I was never serious when I said it because I knew how blessed I felt, but when I was angry or irritated I usually just rant on. But hubby was patient and would calmly talk to me, and when he did I could feel his love for me from his words. And God! I love that man too, so much.

On my part, after all the ranting I evaluate myself privately. I try to be honest with myself and get to the root of why I was so angry. And when I realized there was a good ground for my anger I tried to express it in a better way, better tone.

Also I asked for help from hubby. I told him how overwhelmed I was feeling. I am not someone that enjoys cooking and washing plates, things I now have to do everyday. Hubby doesn’t like cooking and doing dishes either. But I do what I have to do. And hubby helps every now and then with some of the other chores in the house, sometimes even cooks and does the dishes, although rarely . He’s even suggested we get a Help to help me out, but I thought we could manage by ourselves for awhile since it’s just the two of us for now. As helpful as Helps can be, at the end of the day they are a third party in a home. A stranger. And I don’t trust easily. So while I know I would have to give in to hiring one at some point, I’m in no rush to do so.

I’ve learned to manage my responsibilities as a wife. Hubby has his and I have mine. We just each need to play our part and make sure to let the other person know that we appreciate their efforts, and in the case of the woman the husband can assist when he can, even though all he does is stay in the kitchen with the wife for awhile as she cooks and distract her from the stress of what she’s doing by sharing stories about his day or flirting with her. That goes a long way to help the mindset of the woman and how she sees herself in the marriage. There’s no time I serve food and we finish eating that my husband doesn’t say Thank You to me. Those two words as simple as they are has a lot of effect on me, how I see myself in his life. I remember the first few weeks in marriage, there were thoughts running through my head, like this marriage thing is just a place where a woman just serves the man while he relaxes. I mean a husband and wife will both go out and have a stressful day but when they return home one gets to go relax while the other slaves away in the kitchen. I even asked myself, is this my life now, a life of serving someone?

But that was the wrong mindset. And a partner’s attitude towards the efforts the wife puts into the home will determine if the wife sees herself as a slave serving a master and starts to resent him for it or if she accepts her role as a helpmate and sees herself as a partner who is playing her part towards a common goal, to make a happy home.

Also compromise is another thing that a couple must give in every now and then. You can’t be too rigid. When there’s a disagreement about something the other person wants, you must meet each other half way. My husband and I do that when need be to accommodate the other person’s needs and or desires so everyone is happy.

You have to recommit to your partner everyday

I am someone that usually wants to pull myself from a situation the moment it starts to feel difficult. I can quickly forget all the good times and the promises I made in those good times and just say fvck it. So few weeks into our marriage I had moments when I questioned my decision to get married and said to my husband I don’t think I can do this. He looked at me in shock like are you kidding me? We just got married! He felt disappointed and heartbroken in those moments. I would get sad seeing him that way. I did a lot of self talk in those first few weeks. I quickly learned that you don’t say I DO to him and marriage once and that’s it. You continuously have to say I DO to this person everyday of your life. When I did my self talk I would ask myself, do you think you made a mistake choosing him? The answer would be NO there’s no one else I would rather be with, that I have always been one hundred percent sure of.

The next question would be, is the situation really that bad that you’re feeling this way or is this just your ego/pride acting up? Then in that moment I choose him over again and I recommit to doing better to create a peaceful and happy home. You have to choose your spouse and choose to be married every very often for you to remain focused on sustaining a happy home. I’m glad to say that the days of questioning my decision to get married is in the past now. I have been known to resist Change. Generally I don’t do well with change at all. So I believe part of our issues at the beginning of our marriage was me resisting change, I panicked.

No winner no loser in arguments

I dare to say the main reason arguments get drown out in marriage is because one or both partners are trying to win the argument. One or both don’t want to back down. For men it’s usually because of their egos. But some women like me struggle with ego too, but sometimes it’s just pettiness on our part. I’ve realized that shouldn’t be.

We are not in a competition against each other and shouldn’t act like we are. We are partners. We are a team. A team who wins together and loses together. My husband would say that he’s the person that loves me the most in the whole world and the person that wants the best for me the most, so he can’t possibly have bad intentions when he says or does something. And I’m sure some husbands feel the same way. And if you look at it from that point of view, you wouldn’t reason badly phrased comments too deep. Sometimes people have the best intentions but their delivery may be poor.

We also want to remember that not all men understand how to approach certain things or phrase their words sometimes in a way that it is welcoming to the woman. I’ve accused my husband of that a few times, and he’s learning

If there’s happiness in the home we both are happy. If there’s sadness we both suffer. It pays no one to let a grudge fester.

Learn to laugh over some things

These days I’m very chilled in my marriage. There’s hardly anything to make a fuss about. It’s been a lot of laughter and zero arguments for awhile. Not that we used to have a lot. Combine all the major arguments we have had since getting married I doubt it’s been more than five.

Now when I feel there is something to fuss about, I just ignore. It’s usually not that deep anyway some of the things we women make issue of. I have learned that I have to control the desire to debate everything. The desire to be seen as right when it really doesn’t matter. If you want to have a peaceful happy home you need to pick your battles because arguments sucks out the joy in the home. Don’t start one except the issue is important to you. Did he not flush the toilet properly? flush it. Did he not put his dirty clothes where they should be? Pick them up and put them where they should be, it takes less energy to do that than it takes to quarrel about it. Of course if it bothers you, you should tell him calmly later to put more efforts into doing things properly. But that moment you notice it, it may not be the best time to talk about it since you could speak from a place of anger or irritation.

So that’s it! I’ll continue to submit myself to more learning and improving as a wife and as a person in general. I’m happy to be married, life is a lot better with a companion. I’m especially happy to be married to the man I am married to. I’ll say I DO to him every day of my life. Our relationship has been more beautiful than anything I ever dreamed of about marriage. And we’re only just starting!

Are you recently married? What would you say you have learned so far? Was adjusting difficult for you? Have you been married for some years? Please share some wisdom with us! How was it like for you especially at the beginning of the marriage? What challenges did you face and how did you deal with them? I can’t wait to read from you! If you’re yet to be married let us know what your biggest take away is from this article.

The post What 4 Months In Marriage Has Taught Me – Newlywed Marriage Advice appeared first on The Good and Happy Wife Blog.

Although I had very good example early in life of a happy marriage. We celebrated our parents 50th wedding anniversary in 2017. As at writing this they’ve been happily married for 54 years. Watching their relationship for the many years I was at home helped shaped my thinking about the kind of wife I wanted to be. Some things about my mom as a wife I’ll like to exemplify. She was hard-working, financially independent and supportive, it was a real partnership what they had, and still have; sadly mom’s health has deteriorated but my dad is by her side everyday.

My mom didn’t have to wait for my Dad to give her money for food before she will buy food items for the house. There was nothing like this is yours and this is mine. They did everything together regardless of who brought what. That I really love.

Like I said in how to be a good wife, I think a couple should be one unit at home, as long as there’s no selfishness from any of them. But as great as I think my mom was as a wife, I don’t try to be like her exactly. I’m a different person with different ideas, plus now is a different time; some things are a bit different now because we know better. My front row seat to my parents relationship, my own past relationship experiences and that from my environment have as expected influenced the kind of wife I want to be, to some extent, what I will be and what I won’t. But largely what has influenced me is my own self, discovering myself, knowing who I am and what kind of life I want, what kind of home I want to have, especially as a practicing Christian who wants to set an example of a happy home.

What preparation required before marriage depends on what kind of marriage you want to have and what you think you need to put in place to have such marriage. For me I prepared myself to be a wife in four ways.

4 Ways I Prepared Myself to be a Wife

1. I worked hard to become financially independent.

I have never been a woman who was okay with asking a man for money for what I needed, any man, even my brother. Also I intended to be a supportive wife financially, I wouldn’t be the wife who waits on her husband to buy any and everything. So thank God I could achieve that before getting married. It was very important to me for my own self respect and for the overall good of the family.

2. I worked on my Ego and tolerance level

Ego is one of the biggest challenge to a successful relationship, especially worse for a woman to have since you have to let the man lead. So I knew I had to work on it. But it’s not that easy.

Before I got engaged and got married, I’d been independent, living on my own and paying my own bills for about 15 years. Add that to the fact that I’ve always been opinionated and stubborn. I sometimes become my own worse enemy in a relationship. When upset I’m quick to become arrogant when talking, disrespectful. I’m quick to walk out on a conversation and want to end things, my tolerance level was very low. I’m quick to say I don’t need this in my life and walk away. This behavior can’t be good for any relationship especially not one you want to last happily forever.

In fact this attitude almost ended our courtship barely a week into it. Something had to be done. So I started working on my tolerance level, how can I agree to be a wife and live together forever with another person if I don’t have patience? It won’t work. I started to control myself, I don’t rush to talk when I am angry. I take some time to calm down, think things through, be honest with myself about my fault if any, in what happened; I make clear to myself of why I am really angry and I approach my partner and try to express myself clearly as politely as possible. And that helped.

I wish I can say that I don’t have this problem anymore, but I’m married now and still do. But because I know of the problem and I consistently make efforts to control it, I now have a better handle on it. Still a work in progress, but it made a great difference that I started working on this before marriage. You may have same challenge and need to work on it. Or yours may be something else. You have to be honest with yourself, are there behavioral problems you have that can become a problem in a marriage? You can start preparing yourself now to be a good wife.

3. I worked on mastering using We instead of I, and Ours instead of Mine.

I made conscious effort to start using We instead of I and Ours instead of Mine when we started courtship. It was important to the kind of relationship I wanted our marriage to be. My husband, then fiance felt the same way. Even his car, when I refer to it as his car he corrects me and asks me to refer to things as Ours or just say the car. It’s all about building a one unit relationship. What belongs to him belongs to me and verse visa. Having that understanding before marriage was helpful. It was part of creating a solid foundation for our marriage. If we’re taking a vow to become One then we wanted to be one for real. And today that’s how we operate in our home.

4. I accepted the Role of a Wife

Like I’ve said I was independent and living alone for about 15 years before getting married. In those years I never had to cook if I didn’t want to. I didn’t have to arrange or sweep the house if I didn’t feel up to it. No one was going to be upset over it or ask me why the house looked that way or what was for dinner. And there was a part of me that loved living alone, my privacy and peace was everything to me.

My husband and I courted for about 8 months before getting married. During that period I made peace with the idea of becoming a wife. I accepted the Role. I told myself yes I would be losing some things I am used to, but I will be gaining a lot more.

As at writing this I’ve been married for over 3 months, and I can tell you that thinking of what to cook, cooking and washing the dishes are the most stressful part of being a wife. Even though I do prefer to cook my own food than eat out, I can’t say I love cooking. And even less washing dishes. But it’s largely the wife’s role that I prepared myself for and accepted before getting married.

Now even though it’s stressful to cook, I love cooking for and eating with my husband. Watching him enjoy something I cook every time gives me joy . And I know he does a lot for the home too, even some chores. Marriage is a partnership, everyone plays their part and contributes to the smooth running, happiness and peace of the home. So are you preparing yourself to become a wife? It’s exciting to plan a wedding and show off your husband to all your friends but when it’s all over and everyone leaves and it’s just the two of you, will you be able to play the role you’ve gotten yourself into? Will your husband continue to have reasons to be happy he chose you? I know it’s not just on you to make a happy home but we’re focused here on you playing your part to make your home a happy one. And I believe you can do it.

The post 4 Ways I Prepared Myself To Become A Wife appeared first on The Good and Happy Wife Blog.

My point here is that even though today’s ‘woke’ ladies will make joke about the idea of being a ‘wife material’, it isn’t something that’s all about getting a man to marry you, no, it’s good for you too. Any self improvement is good for you and the family you’re hoping to have.

How to Become a Wife Material

If you’re asking am I wife material, then you probably already are because such self evaluation usually comes from someone who believes in to whom much is expected much is given, and that’s the mindset of a wife material. But still let me share what I know with you hopefully it helps.

To know how to become a wife material ask yourself what do men really want from their wives?

My husband took his time choosing a wife. He was not easily swayed. He was so picky that his relatives and close friends started to wonder if he wanted God to create a special woman just for him He was very certain of what he wanted. So when he chose me and took the vows to have me by his side for the rest of his life, I had to ask him shortly after our wedding, why me? Here are the reasons he gave me:

• I know what it means to lack financially. I didn’t come from riches and I’ve had to struggle.
• I’m homely
• I empathize
• My ability to turn things around (the change I talked about earlier to become a wife material)
• I am curvy.

I’m sure there are more but those are top on his list of why he chose me.

It is likely to vary slightly from man to man the qualities of a good wife material. But there are some traits that’s generally required to successfully play the role of a wife. So let’s discuss the 3 main qualities men look for in a wife.

Be Supportive

There was a time that a wife material was a woman without a secular job who stayed home to take care of the children, does all the house chores and have meal ready for the husband when he got home. But now a woman like that will be considered liability by most men, especially Nigerian men. Most of our mothers weren’t even that woman. They ran businesses and did some farming and supported the family expenses. Such support is especially needed now because most men don’t earn enough to be able to let their wives stay home while they work. So a hard working woman with good earning power is considered a wife material now because she will be able to complement the man’s income so the family can live decently. But financial support is only a part of the support a wife needs to give her husband. There’s emotional support as well which is even more important because that tells him he’s loved and not alone more than anything else. He feels complete when he knows he has someone who believe in him and supports him.

Let Him Lead

African men require their wives to be submissive. No, it doesn’t mean you have to become a Yes sir and No sir woman. I don’t think any responsible man wants a wife like that. But you have to recognize his authority over you. And trust him to lead. Meaning you have to let him know before making a major move even though it only affects you. He’s the man in your life and should feel like it even though you’re used to being the boss of yourself.  You have to learn to be humble. When in a relationship that you want to lead to marriage you have to show submission. If you can’t be submissive in a relationship you won’t automatically be submissive after the wedding. The husband take decisions for the family. Of course you get to share your opinion with him and a responsible man knows to always take the opinion of his wife seriously, but ultimately he should feel like he’s making the major decisions for the family.

If you’re a Christian then you understand that submission isn’t just an African thing, it is how God, the institutor of marriage has arranged the family unit to run successfully. The husband is the head while the wife complements him.

These are some bible verses that addresses the subject of submission in marriage 1 Corinthians 11: 8,9, 2 Timothy 2:11,12 and 1 Peter 3:1.

You can’t really say you are a Christian if you do not submit to your husband. Why even get married if you can’t have someone be head over you? It’s easy to submit if you respect the man you married. So don’t choose a man for a husband who doesn’t inspire respect from you otherwise submission will be almost impossible.

Give Him Peace of Mind

Men want peace. In fact everyone wants peace in their own home. Part of giving a man peace of mind are the areas I have addressed above. But there’s more to it. You want to show understanding at all times. For example a man comes back from work all tired. He’s yet to shower and eat, that’s when you bring up something about him that’s bothering you. Or he ate and slept off immediately from tiredness and you wake him up to discuss an issue you have with him. Communication is the first skill you must master to be a good wife, but part of having good communication is knowing the right time to bring up a subject.

Learn to Listen more than you talk. I’m a work in progress in this area myself. Being a good listener helps you to understand things better than when you talk too much.

Be considerate. Do not nag. Put yourself in his shoes sometimes, and treat him how you will want someone to treat you in such situation.

Follow these recommendations on how to become a wife material, and any man will be fortunate to have you as a wife. Next read how I prepared myself to become a wife. I’m sure you will learn something more about how to be wife material.

The post How To Become A Wife Material – The Qualities Men Want In A Wife appeared first on The Good and Happy Wife Blog.